|
“Should I End It After Our Vacation?”
Hanauer and Jones on whether to break up before or after a trip.
by Cathi Hanauer and Daniel Jones
All of which, I hate to say, raises the question: Who says Flame #2 will stand by as you go off to South America with Flame #1? Doesn’t she have an opinion in this little soap opera? Don’t you think she might be blessed/cursed with the same wandering eye as you? Which raises another question: How can men be such liars and so trusting simultaneously? Talk about the gift of ignorance!
Cathi:
Not telling your girlfriend before you go isn’t fair to her, the new person, or—say it with me—yourself. And having been in the same hiking boots at one point, I have to ask why you’d want to go on a trip with one girl when you’re itching to be with another. (OK, the mountains, the spiritual thing … but still.) Then again, I can’t imagine how you can be with her now while feeling this way. Maybe it’s just me—bad poker face, and all that.
Anyway, how generous is it, really, to let her get that much more bonded with you and then tell her, “Sorry,” but you’ve actually been in love with someone else for months now? (I know, you wouldn’t tell her that part, but, believe me, she’d find out.) She’ll be hurt either way, but if you wait, she’ll also be enraged at having played the fool for so long. As for the trip, unless you’re a master of deception, she’ll sense something’s changed between you and won’t know what or why. Nothing like that for a scenery wrecker.
You need to drop the bomb—or, rather, place it down gently—like, today. Then it’s her call. If she opts not to go ahead with the trip—or to go on her own or (sorry, dude) with someone else—you’ll have to suck it up, since (a) she’s the one invited to the wedding, and (b) you’re the one doing the dumping. Best-case scenario, she’ll agree to go with you as friends. And if her next boyfriend happens to be seated on her other side at the wedding, she can tear up the dance floor with him while you daydream about your new girlfriend back home.
Cathi Hanauer is the author of My Sister’s Bones and the editor of The Bitch in the House. Daniel Jones is the author of After Lucy and the editor of The Bastard on the Couch. They have been married for 12 years.
 (No Ratings Yet) Loading ... |
Email to a Friend
Share on Facebook
Digg It
Delicious
Newsvine
Stumble
Reddit
1 Tanya // Oct 9, 2006 at 3:33 pm
Don’t be coward!!!! tell her before you go! The truth is you do not want to go there and it would be better, if she would go there alone, and starts to forget you. Still, you tell her the truth and not lie to her, doing this way.Maybe she even will meet someone else, not spending her time with soon to be -ex ! Do not spoil her vacation, because you are afraid of telling her! If she finds out that you were going to part with her anyway ( and she finds it out ,trust me), she would feel you betrayed her and lie to her all this time. I’ve been in somewhat similar situation, (when I just started to date) I wanted to tell that guy, that if from the very begining he was honest with me, we could still be very good friends and I would respect him for telling me his situation, but since he lied to me, I can not respect him for his cowardness and we would never be friends. But right now I can feel only disgust about this guy, because he turned out to be a coward in my eyes!
2 linda // Sep 22, 2006 at 8:34 am
email me day to day. to let me know.
3 nn // Sep 16, 2006 at 3:27 pm
No need to bash the guy. Just b/c you’re not in love w/ someone anymore doesn’t mean you can’t still love them. If you truly cared about a person in the 1st place, then you’re never going to stop being concerned about him/her even if the spark goes out. They weren;t at the point where they’ve decided their all in - ie. marriage, etc., so u can’t blame him if he really cares for this other girl. Of course, u really shouldn’t be thinking about other girls u run into in that way if you’re in a long-term, non-fling, excusive-type relationship.
4 Anonymous // Sep 14, 2006 at 9:55 pm
I think that he should go on the trip and see what happens. This guy isn’t sure he wants to dump his current girlfriend, or he would have done it already. Thinking about dumping someone, or thinking you “need” to dump someone is still a long way from actually doing it.
I was in this same situation this summer–I was considering dumping my boyfriend right before we were supposed to go on an expensive trip together several thousand miles away for several weeks. I decided to wait until after we got back, that way we’d have the memory of a wonderful trip together because I do still care about and enjoy him.
Well, what ended up happening was that I remembered on the trip all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, and I was far away from the “other man” and forgot about him entirely. I decided to stay with my boyfriend, and a few months later, we’re still together. So give your relationship one last shot to survive. You owe it to yourself and your girlfriend. If after the trip, you still “need” to dump her, then do it. She’ll probably be so upset, the fact that the trip was a “charade” will be the last thing on her mind, anyway.
5 Kai // Aug 22, 2006 at 11:19 am
I think that no matter what you decide to do you are in a NO-win situation. She would be left to attend her best friend’s wedding without a date and you would be talked about like a dirty dog doing the no-no on white carpet! No matter what you do, you will be inflicting serious heartache and pain. I believe that if you fell for someone else while with her, you obviously aren’t that into her anymore and I personally think the right thing to do would be to seriously ponder why you strayed out of your relationship. I would weigh the pros and cons carefully and ask myself what could really come out of the new relationship? Given the way it came about…does your new girlfriend know what happened? If she doesn’t how do you think she would feel? Are you going to tell her? How do you think she would feel? Is this new girl worth it or is it just a fling? If you still feel that you want to break up - I would do it before the trip - If you waited, your girlfriend would feel used and it would make things emotionally more difficult for her. Ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. That always puts things into a better perspective for me. Either way you are in a very difficult situation and I don’t envy you. Do the right thing - be a man and let her go if you don’t love her anymore, no one likes to be lied to.
Read All 13 Comments on "Should I End It After Our Vacation?"