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7 Ways to Tell if He Plans to Marry You
The List offers simple, no fuss signs for deciphering if he's that into you.
by Kristine Kern
The up-side of the List was obvious to me, but I can hear the protestations:
* Doesn’t it leave him holding all the cards? (Not if you’re the one enforcing the rules.)
* Doesn’t it strengthen the societal pressure to marry? (My advice: don’t read it if you’re not interested in finding a husband; the pressure’s been there and it’s not going anywhere. Either you’ve dealt with it or you haven’t.)
* Isn’t it simplistic? (Yes, and isn’t that glorious?)
My problem with the List is more mundane. Let’s just say for the sake of argument that I’ve signed on to the List philosophy. How exactly do I meet Mr. Wonderful? If I’m an online dater, I have to wait for him to make the first move (how retro!). The authors seem to imply that by simply reassessing my goals and figuring out what it is I must have in a man, I’ll unleash a torrent of List-worthy prospects. I’m not so sure. I can see their point: he may not look or act the way I expect Prince Charming to look or act, so I need to keep my eyes and ears open, but still, it seems like quite a leap of faith.
That said, since having read the book, I find myself much less tolerant of sluggish dating behavior. If a guy doesn’t perk right up and show interest in me, I’m more likely to give him the shake. No more settling for half-hearted, weak-kneed attempts to woo me. Clearing the decks, so to speak, inspires confidence. And, in my experience, confident women rarely have trouble finding men. So if that’s the only way reading The List affects you, it’s well worth the $12.95 cover price.
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1 infinitelyCurious // Aug 20, 2008 at 7:36 pm
ok….now i understand we women would love clues and foretellings of the future all the time and it would be oh so nice to always think that men have the same thought processing as us but seriously….its much more simpler than all THIS…..
if he’s into you…youll see it in his eyes….and youll feel it in his touch…
if hes not then he will be pretty much apathtic about you and just basically, rarely put any effort whatsoever…
2 Stephanie Lemberg // Aug 12, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I remember reading this book back in the day, when I was single. I think about this book now, and laugh at “THE LIST”. I am happily married after 9 months of dating the man of my dreams. He would laugh at this book too. It is a bit conservative and antiquated for today’s dating world, especially in New York City. These girls must live in a farm town in the middle of nowhere, with no other options. They probably HAD to get married so young because they knew they had no other options. So sad that they think they know the rules behind snagging a man.
3 Gwyn // Apr 18, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I agree with the List’s approach. I think the biggest mistake women make when dating (and the one that men exploit the most) is making excuses for men, finding positive explanations in our own minds for why they do asshole things or things that miss the mark. With the List, you are no longer making excuses in your head and hoping beyond hope for the guy who acts “oh so casual” or who is “dating around” and “not sure if he wants something serious.” This is all horseshit because if a man found a great woman do you really think he would risk losing her with bullshit behavior? No. Men are rational self interested creatures. But we women have bought into the “men don’t speak the emotional language very well and maybe he just made a mistake or is overwhelmed and confused.” Horseshit! He’s just looking for free easy sex and with your willingness to make up a creative back story that he is really interested, he can avoid lying to you and get his free sex.
4 kcgirl // Mar 4, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I have a great trick for letting them make the first move if you’re using Match.com. Just view them and don’t wink or anything. Guys always seem to check the “who’s viewed me” thing, so you’ll be on their radar, and if it seems like you have something in common, they’ll email you. It worked almost every time for me.
5 Anonymous // Jan 29, 2008 at 11:13 am
Kristine,
I wanted to comment on your quote below:
“My problem with the List is more mundane. Let’s just say for the sake of argument that I’ve signed on to the List philosophy. How exactly do I meet Mr. Wonderful? If I’m an online dater, I have to wait for him to make the first move (how retro!). The authors seem to imply that by simply reassessing my goals and figuring out what it is I must have in a man, I’ll unleash a torrent of List-worthy prospects. I’m not so sure. I can see their point: he may not look or act the way I expect Prince Charming to look or act, so I need to keep my eyes and ears open, but still, it seems like quite a leap of faith.”
We are conditioned to believe that if we do certain things we will attract more men. That’s not true, but what is true is that if you keep this list in mind you won’t waste time on the duds and will thus be more available to the good prospects who happen to come along. The more you weed out the duds the more you will be available to attract men who will meet your needs.
Also, there’s nothing “retro” about this advice. After all, if you’re the one who posted the online ad, you’re waiting for someone to reply to it. Is that “retro”? You can apply this list to men who reply to your ad. If a guy jerks you around with 20 emails, phone calls or chat sessions before he makes a date with you, then the chances are strong that he’s not a list guy. If the focus of his first contact with you is on setting up a meeting, and nothing is going to deter him from that goal, the chances are better that he’s a list guy. Then when you meet him the rest of the list applies exactly as written. Make sense now?
How do I know this? I am seeing a list man who responded to my online dating site ad. Yes, I have a hard date for marriage. Yes, the list is true. It’s not retro at all. Men haven’t changed as much as we think they should have. Just because we may think it’s old fashioned to wait until the guy makes these moves doesn’t mean they do. This is just how guys are. They need to make certain moves to feel that they want you. Guys are very goal oriented. They move swiftly when they mean business. If they don’t engage in real goal directed behavior with you the chances are they’re not a list guy. Even when a guy says he is not a list guy but still means business he is either full of it or fooling himself. Every single time a guy is that serious about starting a relationship with someone he will at least roughly follow those points. After 50 years on this planet and much experience with the opposite sex with guys both younger and older, I can safely say that this list still applies. Best of luck to you, Kristine.
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