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How To Make Long-Distance Love Work
Make your bond strong enough to weather the distance.
by Mary E. Morrison
LDRs are nothing new, of course. Military personnel, academics, truckers, salespeople, athletes, and entertainers have loved across the miles for years. But experts attribute the prevalence of LDRs today to a number of factors. One is that the working world looks a lot different, and requires different training, than in previous generations. “There are more women having careers, and there’s more specialization these days,” says Seetha Narayan, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Long-Distance Relationships. “Many couples invested a lot in their careers, and now they have to follow through. They usually think of it as temporary—this is for now, I’ll put some time into building my résumé and expand my future options.”
Second, the world is a smaller place. “Before, people met one another by proximity,” explains Greg Guldner, PhD, director of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships. “You married your classmates, you ran into people who lived in the same town. That’s really changed now with the types of careers people are taking. There are many, many more conferences—this is a theme that comes up over and over again: People meet someone at conferences that are either national or international.”
Technology is also increasing the number of people who are meeting at a distance. Consider the growing popularity of online dating services. People look in the four zip codes around them, and if that doesn’t work, they expand their search. “Because of the isolation that is built into our society right now, people are more willing to take a risk with a long-distance relationship,” Guldner says. Add it all up, and you’ve got a lot of people logging a lot of cell-phone minutes.
Unless, of course, it costs your significant other 31 cents a minute to call your international cell phone, in which case you must ask him to call you on a pay phone down the street. When you finally make it to said pay phone—no easy task when you consider that the phrase “yield to pedestrian” doesn’t have much resonance with the average French driver—you then obsess over the nasty pay-phone receiver and how many people have breathed all over it or touched it with fingers that have been God-knows-where. In other words, my phone conversations with my husband were not exactly the breathless, romantic calls I’d imagined they’d be, the kind where you whisper sweet nothings into your lover’s ear.
Instead, we spent three months communicating through emails, text messages, and, yes, quick phone calls, usually about the most prosaic of things. As it turns out, that’s one of the surest ways to a successful LDR.
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1 Roxie // Nov 2, 2008 at 2:49 am
Great article. I especially enjoyed the description of the kinds of intimacy that are important, and the explanation of the phases of “missing.”
Communication is everything.
2 Lauren // Oct 4, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I have been in a LDR for 9 months while my boyfriend is stationed elsewhere with the military. I can totally relate to the stages described in this article. At first I was just angry about the whole thing and tried everything to find away around being in a LDR. After some time, I grew used to the idea that this was something that was although difficult, very important for us to get through together. We have a great sense of trust with each other and know that we are allowed to focus on our own lives but still be in this relationship. My advice to anyone would be to establish what you expect out of your partner before the separation. That way, you both have a clear understanding of how this is all going to work. How much will you talk? Will you talk over the phone, through texts, emails, webcam? Do not sugarcoat or embellish on how much you will talk bc it will lead to resentment if you don’t follow through. My other piece of advice is to pick your battles. You are going to argue much more than you normally do, its normal, you are both stressed about being away. Learn to let the little things go, its going to save you lots of time and anger in the long run. Finally, get a webcam. Nothing makes it much better than a good old fashioned web-cam experience. So helpful if you are lonely!
3 Gal Friday // Sep 19, 2008 at 6:26 pm
[…] their rebellious teenage daughter Julie (Aimee Teegarden). And they’ve been tested by long-distance separation and the appearance of her old flame, but adversity seems to make them stronger. “We have a […]
4 Caitlyn // Jul 25, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I’ve been in a LDR for two months so far and it can be a heartbreaker sometimes. Tyler (My bf) lives in Colorado and I’m in Arizona. He will see me again at the end of August, but everyone says I don’t know him so well, but they know nothing. Most of my friends say I should break up with him because it’s useless.
I met Tyler on a short vacation to Colorado to see my dad and I hung out with him for about a week. If you believe in love at first sight, I fell for him instantly. I left and I didn’t tell him until I received his phone number by mail. I wanted to hear his voice when I told him, but he actually told me first. Tyler confessed to me a week and a half after I left. I became his girlfriend a week later.
The reason why I’d think it would work is because he tells me that I’m the only person who talks to him and he loves hearing my laugh and my voice comforts him. The scary thing is that my ex said the same thing and he broke up with me two months before I met Tyler.
The reason why I don’t is because boys are boys and they can do anything, plus, Tyler says everything Chris (my ex) said, and it can end up in a tangled mess of drama for me like it did with my ex.
But I’m excited for Tyler to see me and I know he’s excited because he talks about it. My BFF, Debbie, tells me that LDRs are better than regular. Her theory is that LDRs make one (or both) want to see the other and regular relationships have one and one together (literally together) and it may cause the other (or both) to get sick of each other.
I call and talk to Tyler every night when minutes are free and on those nights he tells me he loves me and he misses me.
The reason why it’s all so early is because when I was a child, my father left our family. I talk to him every day and when I see him once or twice a year, I want to be with him more. Kind of like Tyler, except, studies shown that if a girl lost her father at a young age, there would be an urge for male attention. If a guy breaks up with me one day, the next, I’d probably be urging for love.
What do you think?
5 Connie // Jul 16, 2008 at 10:13 am
I’ve been in an LDR for a year now - and surprisingly it’s the easiest relationship I’ve been in. (by easy I mean it’s easy to love my boyfriend and easy to be with him) It’s hard knowing that we have to go months without seeing one another, but we handle it quite well. (webcams are wonderful)
Being in an LDR has given us the opportunity to grow and to be independent people. We’ve both been in relationships where we were suffocated by our significant other, so for us having our own space is important. Not to say that we wouldn’t LOVE being able to live next door to one another, but in the long run it’s benefiting us greatly. The level of trust we have combined with our communication skills gained from the distance lets us know that we can handle anything life throws us.
LDRs work as long as you are willing to put in the time and effort.
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