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How To Make Long-Distance Love Work
Make your bond strong enough to weather the distance.
by Mary E. Morrison
Here’s why: When psychologists talk about intimacy, they’re generally referring to two components. The first is the ability to verbalize fairly deep vulnerabilities—for instance, to say “Do you love me?” and “I miss you.” The trickier, almost subconscious part is maintaining the feeling of being intermingled in your partner’s life, a state the experts often refer to as “interrelatedness.” Couples that are geographically close establish this by discussing the mundane details of daily life, whether it’s the fact that you had to take a different route to work because of road construction, or that you have a 2 p.m. meeting with a new client, or that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch.
The fact that you had a turkey sandwich for lunch is so trivial that its shelf life is even shorter than that of the sandwich itself—if you don’t talk to your partner on the day you ate it, you’re probably not going to mention it. “The problem is when you get a couple that is very good at sharing the deep emotional things but doesn’t know anything about each other’s lives,” says Guldner. “You ask them, ‘What’s going on with your partner today?’ and they have no idea. This happens fairly frequently in long-distance relationships, especially in military ones, and it erodes a fundamental part of intimacy—people stop feeling like they’re connected. You have to do things to try to create that interrelatedness.”
But intimacy has its costs. The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to miss them. “Missing” involves several different feelings and thoughts, says Ben Le, an assistant professor of psychology at Haverford College in Pennsylvania who studies romantic relationships. These include sexual desire and longing, thoughts about the future and what the partner is doing, and behavioral tendencies such as looking at pictures of your partner or talking to friends about him or her.
For me, there was a defining moment of missing my husband. It was after his first visit, a quick, four-day trip during which we went to several of the Loire Valley chateaux that surround Tours. At one chateau, as we descended a narrow spiral staircase, we both remarked—almost simultaneously—that the staircase sagged inward toward its central support beam. (Actually, I think we both said “Whoa.”) Several days later, after Andy had returned to the States, I was walking down the stairs of my language school and was blindsided by an intense pang of missing him. It took me a few minutes to figure out why, but I realized that the steps tilted inward, just like the ones at the chateau. The sagging stairs had been only momentarily interesting when we’d seen them together. But days later, experiencing something similar while I was alone triggered a memory that made me miss Andy acutely.
Missing a loved one actually involves something much deeper than wanting to be around them. Whether you know it or not, your relationship is an important part of your self-concept; when your partner leaves, you might—at least initially—have to redefine your sense of self. This redefining takes many forms, Le says. For example, at the beginning of a relationship, as two people become closer, they shift their language and begin to use “we” statements where they once would have used “I” ones—for instance, “We slept in Saturday morning,” or “That’s our favorite restaurant.” When couples are spending significant amounts of time apart, partners inevitably are using more “I” language, simply because they’re alone more.
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1 Roxie // Nov 2, 2008 at 2:49 am
Great article. I especially enjoyed the description of the kinds of intimacy that are important, and the explanation of the phases of “missing.”
Communication is everything.
2 Lauren // Oct 4, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I have been in a LDR for 9 months while my boyfriend is stationed elsewhere with the military. I can totally relate to the stages described in this article. At first I was just angry about the whole thing and tried everything to find away around being in a LDR. After some time, I grew used to the idea that this was something that was although difficult, very important for us to get through together. We have a great sense of trust with each other and know that we are allowed to focus on our own lives but still be in this relationship. My advice to anyone would be to establish what you expect out of your partner before the separation. That way, you both have a clear understanding of how this is all going to work. How much will you talk? Will you talk over the phone, through texts, emails, webcam? Do not sugarcoat or embellish on how much you will talk bc it will lead to resentment if you don’t follow through. My other piece of advice is to pick your battles. You are going to argue much more than you normally do, its normal, you are both stressed about being away. Learn to let the little things go, its going to save you lots of time and anger in the long run. Finally, get a webcam. Nothing makes it much better than a good old fashioned web-cam experience. So helpful if you are lonely!
3 Gal Friday // Sep 19, 2008 at 6:26 pm
[…] their rebellious teenage daughter Julie (Aimee Teegarden). And they’ve been tested by long-distance separation and the appearance of her old flame, but adversity seems to make them stronger. “We have a […]
4 Caitlyn // Jul 25, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I’ve been in a LDR for two months so far and it can be a heartbreaker sometimes. Tyler (My bf) lives in Colorado and I’m in Arizona. He will see me again at the end of August, but everyone says I don’t know him so well, but they know nothing. Most of my friends say I should break up with him because it’s useless.
I met Tyler on a short vacation to Colorado to see my dad and I hung out with him for about a week. If you believe in love at first sight, I fell for him instantly. I left and I didn’t tell him until I received his phone number by mail. I wanted to hear his voice when I told him, but he actually told me first. Tyler confessed to me a week and a half after I left. I became his girlfriend a week later.
The reason why I’d think it would work is because he tells me that I’m the only person who talks to him and he loves hearing my laugh and my voice comforts him. The scary thing is that my ex said the same thing and he broke up with me two months before I met Tyler.
The reason why I don’t is because boys are boys and they can do anything, plus, Tyler says everything Chris (my ex) said, and it can end up in a tangled mess of drama for me like it did with my ex.
But I’m excited for Tyler to see me and I know he’s excited because he talks about it. My BFF, Debbie, tells me that LDRs are better than regular. Her theory is that LDRs make one (or both) want to see the other and regular relationships have one and one together (literally together) and it may cause the other (or both) to get sick of each other.
I call and talk to Tyler every night when minutes are free and on those nights he tells me he loves me and he misses me.
The reason why it’s all so early is because when I was a child, my father left our family. I talk to him every day and when I see him once or twice a year, I want to be with him more. Kind of like Tyler, except, studies shown that if a girl lost her father at a young age, there would be an urge for male attention. If a guy breaks up with me one day, the next, I’d probably be urging for love.
What do you think?
5 Connie // Jul 16, 2008 at 10:13 am
I’ve been in an LDR for a year now - and surprisingly it’s the easiest relationship I’ve been in. (by easy I mean it’s easy to love my boyfriend and easy to be with him) It’s hard knowing that we have to go months without seeing one another, but we handle it quite well. (webcams are wonderful)
Being in an LDR has given us the opportunity to grow and to be independent people. We’ve both been in relationships where we were suffocated by our significant other, so for us having our own space is important. Not to say that we wouldn’t LOVE being able to live next door to one another, but in the long run it’s benefiting us greatly. The level of trust we have combined with our communication skills gained from the distance lets us know that we can handle anything life throws us.
LDRs work as long as you are willing to put in the time and effort.
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