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How To Make Long-Distance Love Work
Make your bond strong enough to weather the distance.
by Mary E. Morrison
“The absence of a partner could, in the short term, result in a loss of part of the self,” Le says. “As the long-distance relationship persists, it’s likely that the self-concept would shift to account for that LDR—being a ‘person in a relationship’ would shift to being a ‘person in a long-distance relationship.’”
In retrospect, I think my missing Andy on the school staircase was part of a struggle between what I’ll call my EuroSelf and my AmeriSelf. My EuroSelf got used to experiencing strange new things on its own. It drank Saumur at lunch, marveled at 12th-century stained glass, and talked in broken French with everyone from farmers to former diplomats. My AmeriSelf, on the other hand—the responsible working girl, the loving partner, the someday mom—had been temporarily left behind. A funny thing started to happen, though, as I got over my initial panic: I started to laugh at my verbal missteps; I began to appreciate the charm of my unusual hosts; I realized my husband and I could live apart temporarily. The EuroMe started to merge with the AmeriMe, and I began to truly enjoy myself, despite the fact that Andy was thousands of miles away.
Some people in LDRs aren’t so lucky, however, especially if the separation lasts a significant amount of time. Guldner’s research shows that most couples tend to go through three phases of separation: protest, depression, and detachment. The “protest” phase can range from mild and playful—“Please stay”—to significant anger. Once an individual has accepted the separation, he or she might experience low-level depression, mostly characterized by slight difficulty concentrating, trouble sleeping, and the feeling of being a little down. “Unfortunately, that seems to be a reflex,” Guldner explains. “In other words, it persists. It continues with each separation and, in fact, sometimes worsens with each separation. There is very little one can do to prevent it.” Some people experience this in a more pronounced way than others.”
In the detachment phase, each person begins to compartmentalize his or her life, breaking it down into the sections with a partner and the ones without. It’s an effective coping mechanism that allows the individual to be in a relationship while doing what has to be done—until the occasional moment of weakness, that is. One day, while checking my email in the language school’s crowded computer lab, I heard the young Asian girl next to me sniffling quietly at her computer. A glance in her direction revealed a live Web-cam feed of a young man alongside an instant-messaging chat box. She typed her goodbye in language characters I couldn’t identify, closed the window containing his image, and wiped her eyes before walking away. No matter how well-established your coping mechanisms are, a moving image of your loved one from half a world away carries a particularly powerful emotional punch.
As the number of LDRs continues to grow, there is hope that in the future we won’t have to accept detachment from our partners in the same way we do today. Cornell University scientists, for example, have started researching “minimal intimate objects” as a supplementary means of communication. Imagine both you and your partner spending your days at a computer. In the taskbar of your computer screen, you see a small box with a little circle. When you click on your circle, the corresponding circle on your partner’s screen lights up: a quick, one-bit message that’s nonintrusive but establishes an ambient awareness of you. As you work, you’re right there with each other.
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1 Roxie // Nov 2, 2008 at 2:49 am
Great article. I especially enjoyed the description of the kinds of intimacy that are important, and the explanation of the phases of “missing.”
Communication is everything.
2 Lauren // Oct 4, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I have been in a LDR for 9 months while my boyfriend is stationed elsewhere with the military. I can totally relate to the stages described in this article. At first I was just angry about the whole thing and tried everything to find away around being in a LDR. After some time, I grew used to the idea that this was something that was although difficult, very important for us to get through together. We have a great sense of trust with each other and know that we are allowed to focus on our own lives but still be in this relationship. My advice to anyone would be to establish what you expect out of your partner before the separation. That way, you both have a clear understanding of how this is all going to work. How much will you talk? Will you talk over the phone, through texts, emails, webcam? Do not sugarcoat or embellish on how much you will talk bc it will lead to resentment if you don’t follow through. My other piece of advice is to pick your battles. You are going to argue much more than you normally do, its normal, you are both stressed about being away. Learn to let the little things go, its going to save you lots of time and anger in the long run. Finally, get a webcam. Nothing makes it much better than a good old fashioned web-cam experience. So helpful if you are lonely!
3 Gal Friday // Sep 19, 2008 at 6:26 pm
[…] their rebellious teenage daughter Julie (Aimee Teegarden). And they’ve been tested by long-distance separation and the appearance of her old flame, but adversity seems to make them stronger. “We have a […]
4 Caitlyn // Jul 25, 2008 at 8:00 pm
I’ve been in a LDR for two months so far and it can be a heartbreaker sometimes. Tyler (My bf) lives in Colorado and I’m in Arizona. He will see me again at the end of August, but everyone says I don’t know him so well, but they know nothing. Most of my friends say I should break up with him because it’s useless.
I met Tyler on a short vacation to Colorado to see my dad and I hung out with him for about a week. If you believe in love at first sight, I fell for him instantly. I left and I didn’t tell him until I received his phone number by mail. I wanted to hear his voice when I told him, but he actually told me first. Tyler confessed to me a week and a half after I left. I became his girlfriend a week later.
The reason why I’d think it would work is because he tells me that I’m the only person who talks to him and he loves hearing my laugh and my voice comforts him. The scary thing is that my ex said the same thing and he broke up with me two months before I met Tyler.
The reason why I don’t is because boys are boys and they can do anything, plus, Tyler says everything Chris (my ex) said, and it can end up in a tangled mess of drama for me like it did with my ex.
But I’m excited for Tyler to see me and I know he’s excited because he talks about it. My BFF, Debbie, tells me that LDRs are better than regular. Her theory is that LDRs make one (or both) want to see the other and regular relationships have one and one together (literally together) and it may cause the other (or both) to get sick of each other.
I call and talk to Tyler every night when minutes are free and on those nights he tells me he loves me and he misses me.
The reason why it’s all so early is because when I was a child, my father left our family. I talk to him every day and when I see him once or twice a year, I want to be with him more. Kind of like Tyler, except, studies shown that if a girl lost her father at a young age, there would be an urge for male attention. If a guy breaks up with me one day, the next, I’d probably be urging for love.
What do you think?
5 Connie // Jul 16, 2008 at 10:13 am
I’ve been in an LDR for a year now - and surprisingly it’s the easiest relationship I’ve been in. (by easy I mean it’s easy to love my boyfriend and easy to be with him) It’s hard knowing that we have to go months without seeing one another, but we handle it quite well. (webcams are wonderful)
Being in an LDR has given us the opportunity to grow and to be independent people. We’ve both been in relationships where we were suffocated by our significant other, so for us having our own space is important. Not to say that we wouldn’t LOVE being able to live next door to one another, but in the long run it’s benefiting us greatly. The level of trust we have combined with our communication skills gained from the distance lets us know that we can handle anything life throws us.
LDRs work as long as you are willing to put in the time and effort.
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