Living Alone And Loving It

by Abigail Essman

(Page 3 of 3)

Intrinsic to this is a kind of trust I don’t always see in my cohabiting friends. I have to, and I do, trust that he is home on the nights he is not with me. And he honors me with the same. There’s no resentment, no waiting for him to show up when he’s been out late, no annoyance on his part that he has to come home because I keep wondering where he is. It is the purest form of shared life that I can imagine: he has his life. I have my life. We have our life. All three are whole and rewardingly complete.

I have a friend who serves as a partner in crime. When her marriage broke up three years ago, she found the emptiness overwhelming. But eventually she repainted a living room wall dark red and her hallway orange, reupholstered her couch in yellow tweed, and lost ten pounds. Together we have taught one another to do the stuff we always thought we needed men for: open doors when we locked ourselves out, replace light bulbs in complicated fixtures, repair heaters. Last week she tiled her own kitchen.

She, too, feels that she would never give up the freedom of living alone. Yes, some would argue that living with others is healthy, adaptive: one is forced to learn to compromise, to be tolerant, to share. But doesn’t any well-raised child learn those things anyway? Besides, if you haven’t mastered these things by the time you’re my age, it’s hard to have much of a life.

Having a space all to myself makes it easier for me to be patient and generous with others on those occasions when I do have to share a bathroom or closet space.

And when I don’t, there is still someone important with whom to share the simple daily pleasures: myself. Last week I bought myself two large bouquets of purple roses. Today I think I’ll go and get some daffodils, and spread them all around my home, wherever my heart desires.

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33 responses so far

1 Jen // Jul 20, 2008 at 3:09 am

I am 36 years old and separating from my second live in boyfriend. Your article really reached me- the hot and heavy relationships that become mundane and break off in a year to a year and a half- that’s me. I do not want quantity time together. I want quality time together. I want to get excited and put makeup on and worry about being my best instead of bickering about chores and taking each other for granted.
I found your article tonight by looking up “living alone” on the web. I was looking up the subject because I felt (for one minute) that there is something wrong with me. Thanks for reassuring me in what I already know.

2 amy // Jul 5, 2008 at 6:21 am

I have lived with a man every since the 1st time I moved out, I was going to get married to 1 and I bought a house with the other. A total of 11years of my life, now I am in the process of moving out of my house into a 1 bedroom apartment and where some people would be broken up about this I can’t wait to be by myself!!!! I want my own space and if there is a mess in that space at least it is my mess no more cleaning up after anyone, I am so excited to just be…

3 Marc // Jun 14, 2008 at 9:48 am

It all sounds great until the part about your partner has to promise to stay home when you’re apart. Why insist on this “house arrest?”

It sounds very controlling to me, which is ironic considering that you live apart in order to have some independence.

It’s funny that no one else has commented on this.

4 Kate // May 14, 2008 at 2:46 pm

I am so happy reading this article, and the posts that have followed. I am not alone! I can remember being in junior high, and telling my mother that if I ever get married, I want he and I to have houses next door to each other, not share one. At that young age, I didn’t fully grasp what I was saying, I just knew what I meant. I never really changed my mind on that idea, but found myself moving in with a man when I was 23. I was happy with him when I moved in…I was extremely unhappy within 6 months. When I finally moved out 5 years later, (I know, horrible), my first night in my new place, while quiet and empty…felt SO wonderful. I have dated on and off since then, but seem to come up against a bit of trouble when I admit that I don’t want to move in with someone or even if I ever want to be married. So far, I haven’t found the guy that is open to that…maybe I never will. But one thing I do know…I’ll always love my own space.