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Quiz: Do You Fall For Bad Boys?
Do you have the bad boy bug? How to know and how to remedy.
by Marnie Hanel
Q: Why are bad boys so irresistible?
A: Bad boys are handsome and elusive, and that triggers attraction. But it’s largely a societal issue. We are programmed by our culture to think that chemistry is love. We are constantly stimulated—by work, television, shopping—and we tend to move on if we’re not excited. Also, some women’s brains are wired to interpret anger and petulance as love because of their early negative experiences with men.
Q: Why is it dangerous to be with a bad boy?
A: Well, they’re unreliable. They don’t feel an obligation to have a relationship. It’s important to understand that when a woman has sex, she releases oxytocin and bonds with her partner. Oxytocin is called the “snuggle chemical.” It triggers orgasm, but it’s also released when a mother breast-feeds. It makes you feel close and connected and vulnerable. The effects of oxytocin are offset by testosterone, so a high-testosterone person doesn’t bond from having sex. And there you have it: Bad boys don’t get attached! They say all these wonderful things, and you get this chemical rush that lowers your defenses. But he could be gone the next day. He could lose interest.
Q: Do bad boys ever change, or is that just what we want to believe?
A: Most don’t change. When they get old, then they’re with somebody who has clout because of youth and beauty. Look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta–Jones. She has youth and beauty; he has power and status.
Q: What about bad boys who give inconsistent signals? Bad boys who snuggle?
A: If you want a rat to push a bar forever, don’t give him a pellet every time he pushes—then he’ll only push when he’s hungry. If you take away the pellet, he won’t push the bar at all. But if every now and then you give a rat a pellet, he will push the bar forever. It’s called intermittent reinforcement. That’s the way to get a woman forever; throw her a little tidbit every now and then.
Q: What about bad girls? Do you think that that’s as much of a phenomenon?
A: Oh yes, there are bad girls. They’re usually very attractive women who feel entitled. They’re used to getting everything, and they know how to work a crowd.
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1 Black and Female: Destined To Be Single? // May 30, 2008 at 1:45 pm
[…] unfortunately far too many of them were players. I’ll admit though, I’d often choose a “bad boy” over a good prospective partner and have a bad experience, which then created a bad perception. […]
2 Seri // Apr 29, 2008 at 10:47 am
differences
3 Anonymous // Jan 28, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Some things to think about:
1) Let’s face it, there are a lot of creeps out there. With odds like that it’s no wonder women “settle”, sometimes against their better judgment.
2) What the heck is a “bad boy” anyway? Sure, there are real creeps out there, but I think women sometimes blame their own psychological garbage on men when things go wrong in the relationship or they are poorly matched. Then they withhold sex or act like beeyotches, thus bringing out a bad side of their man. Then they call him a “bad boy” when he reacts less than “nice” about their behavior. Not fair.
3) Sometimes the girls are “bad girls” and just wanna have fun but they don’t want to admit it. They go for the bad boys just for kicks but act like they want a relationship to save face. Sometimes they’re just fooling themselves when deep down they’re not looking for commitment any more than the bad boy is, but it’s so ingrained in women that they will look like bad girls if they own up to those feelings that they will not admit them even to themselves. So they end up looking like the poor victims and the boys are called “bad”. Once again, not fair to the boys.
By the way, I am a woman who has never had any particular fascination for so called “bad boys”.
4 Andy // Dec 14, 2007 at 9:08 am
To E and the other people who commented,
I would be the one to flirt, but be real about who I am. It is very easy to understand the attraction of the badboy persona that every woman desires whether she will admit it or not. First a few credentials, I have my BA in psychology from the University of Iowa, working towards my MA in professional counseling and have been recently studying social dynamics. I have an NLP certification and independently do Life Coaching.
I really don’t need to convince woman about the fact that these types..just…i don’t know..”do it” for you and make you surrender to your deepest desires. These bad boy types cover some of the most basic human interactions, mating. If you select a weak, unconfident male who does not display traits which could potentially produce healthy offspring, then in what way will your biology light up from these signs? It will not. Males who are wonderful, intelligent, “nice” guys” (Like how I use to be) are stuck into being conventional, predictable and well…boring! When a strong, confident, good looking (not always necessary) male shows some interest he will not give you his life story, poor out his heart. He will just..”be cool” in that confident almost arrogant way that strikes a trigger in womans biology and signals, intrigue, curiosity and attraction. They affect the mammilian emotional centers of the brain. I will not start rambling more about the technicalities but will say that nice guys fail to realize that they SHOULD NOT have to PROVE ANYTHING to ANYBODY. Confidence is always number one, and the “game” is played by being certain that you know who you are and that other people are only a guest in your reality. Woman look unconsciously first at body language and then by what he does and what he says so confidence, picky men (translation, men are picky and are specific about what they want and will not let others get in their way), social intelligence, a leader, willingness to have real emotions and be authentic, protector of loved ones. If a nice guy can not display these values on a woman she will not feel attraction towards him, and no amount of convincing will work unless she surrenders and gives up the game, but it is never as fun without the chase. I learned this the hard way. These nice guys need to hit there head enough to realize attraction is happening on a deeper level and the problem is, most of these “cool dudes” are hollow and there is not much past there persona so it leaves woman feeling flat, but those with nice guys lack excitement and passion. What to do? Well I would say be counter intuitive if you want a great nice guy, chase him and hopefully he will play along if he picks up on the signals. Guys are dumb when it comes to this so sometimes you need to do more then just a look, wink or some minimul thing you said.
You want something new? Turn it around and be the Alpha, it’s weird but I have had attractive woman that have switched roles and found it very exciting. Its annoying to play the game, but like another poster said It’s a dance that needs to be played even for a short while. We are not that separated from our ancestors. You become alpha, you chase him and if he is not dumb, he will follow. Tease him if he shows interest, flirt and walk away, then give him too much and he will love it. There are nice guys who play the game and realize that attraction isn’t a choice, but give these guys a chance and try to look a little deeper and begin to wonder what that person is really about. Create curiosity about them show dominance and then see if he follows. I am saying things that are obvious but rethink what you are really after. What do you really want and who would I feel the best with in the longer term? If that is the goal. Real men are not assholes, real men, are respectful, playful leaders who are strong and know themselves. These men treat woman right but do not let anyone take them off of their individual Journey and while being sensitive to her needs, he has her work for his attention NOT the other way around. Confidence is the main thing lacking from most nice guys, but he will show that from womans interest towards what he is good at, but woman need to ask, don’t be a wallflower.
My two cents, Andy 24
5 Jason // Apr 16, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Walter, what does all of that mean?
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