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Portrait of an Open Marriage
It began with a threesome. And became her key to happily ever after.
by Jenny Block
I was 17 when my sexual education began.
“You are responsible for your own orgasm,” my boyfriend told me. He was the guy I lost my virginity to, the guy I had my first orgasm with, and the guy whose words would one day become my mantra: I am responsible for my own orgasm. I believe that literally and figuratively. In bed, I play an active role in getting what I want. But I also take charge of getting what I want throughout my sexual life. That’s why, along with a husband I adore, I have lovers. My husband and I have an open marriage. I know it may sound decadent, or like a throwback to the “free love” of the ’60s. But really, for all the hype, “open marriage” is just one of many ways to negotiate love and sex and marriage. We haven’t been doing it that long, but it now seems so obvious. Like, “Why on earth didn’t we think of this before?”
I have always liked sex. I mean really, really liked sex. I have been accused, in fact, of “thinking like a man.” That is, of seeing sex as something wholly separate from love. When my husband and I first started dating, it was obvious even then that our drives were quite different. As much as he enjoyed sex, he didn’t need or want it as often as I did. But I fell so madly in love with him, I figured it didn’t matter.
I was terribly wrong.
Three years into our marriage, I began to feel itchy. So I had an affair. She was beautiful, an artist I met through a mutual friend. I deliberately chose to have an affair with a woman, rationalizing that it wasn’t as bad as sleeping with another man. (Simply by virtue of his gender, my husband never could be for me what she could be.)
She wasn’t the first woman I’d been with. When my husband and I began dating, I told him that I was bisexual. “I don’t care who you were with before,” he told me. “But once it’s just you and me, it’s just you and me.” And that’s why—as lovely and sweet as my affair with Artist Girl was—it was awful, too. I felt sick about lying to my husband, sick about wanting to be with her, sick for not just calling it off—or avoiding it in the first place.
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1 So Sad // May 7, 2008 at 1:04 am
“I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me.”
Wow, I didn’t know those were my only options: either be in an open marriage or have my husband cheat on me. Can I get Option C where I’m in a closed marriage with a husband that doesn’t cheat?? Do those even exist anymore? I guess not so my only option is to be cheated on with or without my knowledge. Hmmm… tough decision…. so sad some people think that’s what marriage has come to –>
“I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me.”
2 Twyla // May 6, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Thank you for your honesty. Can’t wait for the book to come out! I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me. People’s need change over time. Can we really get all of our needs met by one person over a lifetime?
3 skye // May 2, 2008 at 10:42 pm
It is really strange to me how many people respond to the concept of an open marriage with, “Then why be married?” Do you really think that sex rights are the hallmark of marriage? If you do, does that mean your marriage ends when and if you stop having sex w/ your spouse? If so, there are a hell of a lot more single elderly folks than I was aware of *lol* To me, marriage is a commitment to share your life with someone. Beyond that loose definition, all marriages differ. Some are single-income. Some are religious. Some include child-rearing. Some entail a shared bank account or three. But, let’s face it folks, NONE of these things are included in every marriage. It’s up to the people involved to clearly define what marriage means to them. They are not responsible for making the world at large comfortable with that definition–they only owe it to each other.
It is noted again and again that the author has painted a picture of her husband being uncomfortable with having an open marriage. I’m not sure of this is true and neither are you. You only know what SHE has said and it’s entirely possible that she worries about it more than he does. I’ve seen that often. Do you know what else I’ve seen often? I’ve seen one parter be uneasy about the neighborhood they live in while the other partner wants to stay. I’ve seen one partner homeschool while the other frets about what that will mean come college time. I’ve seen one partner spend way more money than the other is comfortable with. I’ve seen one partner worry that their spouse’s opposite-sex best friend will become a little TOO dear…
I could keep going but the point is, I’ve never seen both partners at exactly the same place over all major issues. I’ve seen apathy but that is not the same thing. If the uncomfortable partner agrees to the terms, it is up to that partner to deal with their emotions or ask for renegotiation.
Marriage IS all about responsibility and maturity. But that does not mean living the way other people tell you to. It means facing your wants and needs and your partners wants and needs and finding some semi-comfortable middle ground. I’m sure many of you on here have kids and would not appreciate those outside your family dictating to you how you should raise them. So, why is it you feel it’s ok to tell this woman how she should handle her marriage?
4 Lisa // Apr 27, 2008 at 12:38 pm
My ex-husband and I also had an open marriage because like Jenny Block, I also wanted more sexual variety in my life. My husband was very reluctant in the beginning but eventually agreed to it because he loved and did not want to lose me. My sex life was fantastic because I had multiple lovers and a husband that I adored. Life could not get any better for me that is until one day everything came crashing and burning around me. My husband had fallen in love with his lover, left me without saying a word and shortly filed for divorce. To say that I was devastated is an understatement that words can never do justice to it. I lost the love of my life, the man I wanted to have children and grow old with.
I got my wish and like the old “Be careful what you wish for…” I am realizing that the price of it was a very high one. I wish I had known then what I know now. Sigh!
5 Ugh // Apr 27, 2008 at 12:41 am
You’re marriage is DISGUSTING.
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