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Portrait of an Open Marriage
It began with a threesome. And became her key to happily ever after.
by Jenny Block
I was 17 when my sexual education began.
“You are responsible for your own orgasm,” my boyfriend told me. He was the guy I lost my virginity to, the guy I had my first orgasm with, and the guy whose words would one day become my mantra: I am responsible for my own orgasm. I believe that literally and figuratively. In bed, I play an active role in getting what I want. But I also take charge of getting what I want throughout my sexual life. That’s why, along with a husband I adore, I have lovers. My husband and I have an open marriage. I know it may sound decadent, or like a throwback to the “free love” of the ’60s. But really, for all the hype, “open marriage” is just one of many ways to negotiate love and sex and marriage. We haven’t been doing it that long, but it now seems so obvious. Like, “Why on earth didn’t we think of this before?”
I have always liked sex. I mean really, really liked sex. I have been accused, in fact, of “thinking like a man.” That is, of seeing sex as something wholly separate from love. When my husband and I first started dating, it was obvious even then that our drives were quite different. As much as he enjoyed sex, he didn’t need or want it as often as I did. But I fell so madly in love with him, I figured it didn’t matter.
I was terribly wrong.
Three years into our marriage, I began to feel itchy. So I had an affair. She was beautiful, an artist I met through a mutual friend. I deliberately chose to have an affair with a woman, rationalizing that it wasn’t as bad as sleeping with another man. (Simply by virtue of his gender, my husband never could be for me what she could be.)
She wasn’t the first woman I’d been with. When my husband and I began dating, I told him that I was bisexual. “I don’t care who you were with before,” he told me. “But once it’s just you and me, it’s just you and me.” And that’s why—as lovely and sweet as my affair with Artist Girl was—it was awful, too. I felt sick about lying to my husband, sick about wanting to be with her, sick for not just calling it off—or avoiding it in the first place.
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1 Irish_muse // Jul 4, 2008 at 2:11 am
I think I feel saddened more than anything else. I’m married, and we’re both monogamous. By choice, and because we promised to be faithful. We all have desires, and most of us are attracted to others. But desires aren’t ‘needs’. Being hooked on sex is a trap, because what we’re really hooked on is the search for endless variety and more and more and more new experiences or partners. The restless urge never ends because it’s inherently unsatisfiable. It’s not a question of owning someone. It is a question of what is wise, what is really caring, what is likely to bring happiness for a lifetime—not for a few years and some fleeting moments of enjoyment.
I’m not judging anyone as a ‘bad person’. That’s not true. But I truly believe that polyamorous marriages are unwise, and will not lead to real happiness in the long run..I wish you well.
2 Barry // Jul 1, 2008 at 3:24 am
Wow Chris, you are such a douchebag. The fact that you can claim to be “happy” while your old lady gets nailed by some muttface isnt just sad, its dellusional.
Let me offer you some advice: reach down into your pants and grab that funny shaped thing (no, its not your Blackberry) between your legs. You see Chris, those are your balls. NOW USE THEM!!!!!
3 Pity // Jun 28, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Wow. To the man below:
Your wife screws other men and you cannot explore other women because she can’t handle the idea??
You’re much more spineless than even Jenny’s husband. At least he has gone outside of the marriage for sex.. though obviously not as much as his wife.
I’ve never read about such a pathetic little man. You’re really just a chump.
I can see why your wife needed more…
4 Chris // Jun 28, 2008 at 1:04 am
Sort of like the author and her husband, my wife and I have a half-open marriage. She is the polyamorous one. We found that out after a long, painful and confusing process.
She never cheated on me. Our marriage started like most I guess. We had our children and things seemed settled. She tended to be more socially active than me. At times she could even be flirtatious, but we were open about it, and I never minded. I thought she was a vibrant and exciting woman, and I of course loved her. Then things started to go down hill. Her mood became somber, and she started to withdraw. She was depressed and sad. I tried everything I could to reignite the flame, but to no avail. Her mind was clearly elsewhere and I suspected that she was having an affair. It turned out that she did, though it was purely emotional. At the time I did not know the details, but she had developed intense feelings for a co-worker. It was mutual and she was very distraught about it. She still loved me, and was otherwise happy with our life. She didn’t want things to end between us, and it was tearing her apart. She couldn’t conceive that there was anything we could do about it. Her options were to leave me, cheat on me, or physically distance herself from that man, but neither of these seemed possible. In her mind, it was hopeless.
With my encouragements, she slightly opened up. She was extremely reserved and defensive. (Later she explained that she was too afraid to hurt me and destroy our marriage.) All she would confess is the fact that she did not feel like a one-man woman, and needed things I could not offer her. She said that she needed time and some freedom to sort things out. She did not expect me to do anything about it. We were grid-locked and close to breaking up, but to let some steam out, I told her that I would not object to her exploring her feelings, and trying to face whatever was eating at her. I was rather surprised by how quickly she seized upon that idea. What floored me is when she said that she could not let me do the same. She just could not deal with that idea. I really had no intention to, so I agreed to that too.
At first nothing happened, but then she started going out increasingly late, and eventually would spend an occasional night out of the house. She was keeping me in the dark, and I really hated that phase of the process. What was clear, at least at first, is that it was helping her. We actually got along much better. With time, however, guilt started to creep up, and I witnessed her bending under increasing pressure. I kept encouraging her to talk to me, pledging to her that I still loved her and that whatever she needed, we would make it work. Finally, it became untenable, and she confessed everything. By that time, I had it pretty much figured out, including the identity of the man she was seeing. I welcomed her revelations with an open heart, and pledged my love to her. The turnaround was instantaneous. She could not believe that I was okay with it. But the truth is that I was. I had had plenty of time to wrap my mind around the idea that she was different, and that she had special needs when it came to love, romance and sex, and I was determined to offer her that.
That was a few months ago, and though today the weirdness of it is not yet completely gone, we seem to be adjusting well to this new way of life. My wife spends some time every week with her lover, and even stays overnight at his house a few times a month. We’re open about it, though we also try to maintain healthy boundaries. As I told her, the three of us have a right to privacy, but not to secrecy (in the way be deal intimately with one another). It hasn’t been very long of course, and time will tell if we manage to keep the balance, but for now, it’s working and we are happy about it.
The important thing is that in no way, shape or form do I feel that our relationship has been diminished or tarnished by this experience, on the contrary. Some people here have commented on the sacred character of their relationship with their loved one. On that point, I agree 100%. Where I disagree is on the fact that this requires monogamy, or even that monogamy is an ideal aspiration. To a truly polyamorous person, and I mean by that someone who thrives in situations where s/he can connect intimately and individually with multiple partners, monogamy can turn into an emotional dead zone. No matter how much energy is put into it, the ingredients are just not there to light the fire. I wonder who benefits when that happens… Is this narcissism or self-indulgence, as some people have suggested? Is it uncontrollable sexual addiction? Sure, in some cases, perhaps. But those who are incapable of contemplating past those clichés only reveal their own fears and frustration. They don’t understand how the erotic mind really works: the thirst for authenticity and self expression, the resistance to social norms, the imperviousness to moral dictates. These just cannot be pushed back neatly into a box without major consequences elsewhere. Why get married then? Well because if we have trust in the goodness of our own erotic aspirations, then marriage is actually a very good place to start expressing them. With a trusted, faithful life partner, we can grow this side of us without the fear of judgment. A marriage can be a safe haven, a place where two people can retreat, share and integrate their experiences; their bad ones included (and even their mistakes). Obviously, there is a need for compatibility at the start. Not everyone should be expected to automatically accept their partner’s polyamorous desires. But when that compatibility is there, and the desires are genuine (and not an escape from underlying problems), then it is foolish not to consider embracing them. Even for someone like me, who fundamentally desires only one partner, it is possible and even rewarding.
5 jflow // Jun 20, 2008 at 9:49 am
polyamorous” people love to sing out to the world their choice of lifetstyle, and how they just couldnt deal with the “monogamous” lifestyle but i think that deciding to group together is just rationalizing and justifying their particular choices in life- which there’s nothing wrong with, but i think it boils down to individual choice and ALL relationships take work, effort, sacfrice, emotional energy. saying that its open or polyamorous sometimes feels like its a justification for people’s sex addiction, or the fact that people can group together just so that they don’t have to feel “guilt” for their lifestyle. In the end, everyone is free to make their own decisions for themselves, even to the point of a one-sided “open” relationship, but having to constantly announce to the world just to hear themselves justify it to themselves is kinda old. there are people out there that are thoroughly and completely satisfied in monogamous relationships, (granted, i don’t hear too many of those announcements) just because its a flavor or taste for some people. Polyamorous people are just as judgemental when it comes to comparing their lifestyles with what they deem as “oppressive” or judegemental towards them. if you feel fine and good about what you do, then why have to explain it to people over and over?
personally, i believe in quality over quantity anyway- and that people are far more complex than having to pigeon hole a person, especially the partner that you CHOSE to be your spouse, for not being able to provide for your insatiable sexual desire. to me, too much of anything turns bad, and then it boils down to seeking help for obsessive compulsive disorders.
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