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Portrait of an Open Marriage
It began with a threesome. And became her key to happily ever after.
by Jenny Block
It was true—I knew she was interested. We’d joked about it plenty of times before. “When are you going to let me at that hot husband of yours?” she’d ask me. “Whenever you like,” I’d tell her. I started teasing my husband about it every now and then. Sometimes when we’d have sex I’d talk about her being there. It always was about wanting more sex than my husband could offer, and sex different from that which any one person could provide. pushed him over the edge.
Finally, I decided it was time.
“Let’s do it,” I said to her one night when we were at my house, watching yet another terrible, made-for-TV movie. She knew exactly what I was talking about.
“You sure?” she asked.
“Are you?” I asked back.
“Yeah,” she said. “As long as you’re positive it won’t mess us up.”
“I don’t think it will,” I said. “But you know I can’t promise that.”
“I know,” she said. “But promise me anyway.”
“OK,” I told her. “I promise.”
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1 Nicole // Dec 1, 2008 at 7:19 pm
As a young woman who also has a bigger sex drive than her partner and as someone who is part of an open relationship, I appreciate your honesty and opinion. Like you, I agree that sex can be separate from a relationship. It’s about fulfilling a physical need and just as I am free to fulfill my needs when I need to, my boyfriend can take other partners if he wants. Many times we’ll even find other couples together and share partners. Having an open relationship doesn’t mean we don’t still have an amazing love for each other and for us, the more we’re with other people the more it seems that we come to appreciate what we have together. True love is about seeing your partner happy, and that includes sexual fulfillment. I feel so lucky to be with a man who is open to this lifestyle and who truly wants to see me happy. That’s not to say that there aren’t times when it’s emotionally difficult, but that’s to be expected. People who are not into open relationships misconstrued your comments when in fact your husband’s “hurt” is just normal. I’ve felt it and my boyfriend has too. The key is, like you say, to always communicate. All I can say is, stay true to yourself and keep going after those gorgeous orgasms!
On a sidenote, although your age isn’t mentioned in the article, I’m in my early 20s and it’s good to know that there are older women who still have fantastic sex drives. Although I expect my focus to shift from sex somewhat as I age, I dread becoming one of those females who can barely get an orgasm though I surely feel for them. Again, thank you thank you for sharing your (our) point of view.
2 Believer // Nov 26, 2008 at 1:14 pm
My husband and I are working through these issues with our marriage and exploring what it means to be open and appreciate your honesty.
3 Kent // Nov 12, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Everyone keeps commenting on what a relationship
’should’ or ’should not’ be. Our problem here is
that we keep trying to wrap a story around nature
and declare it to be something of our choosing.
It is what it is. We just desperately try to supply some
narrative to it that makes sense. The results are as
varied as we are. Our fears, our genetic make-up, our
life experiences, our physical and social heritage are
all bundled up in it.
Nature doesn’t care about how happy you are. It
cares that you reproduce, and it seeks to maximize
the number of genetic experiments it runs to ensure
the success of the species.
I think people are happier if they learn to work with
nature and make the best of what is, instead of always
trying to force their will upon it. Sexuality, plain and
simple, is not ideal or exclusive or enduring. There
are definite advantages for children in committed relationships
that work, which is why that is for the most part, part of our
social inheritance. It has worked. But as someone caught
in a generally healthy, but very scripted monogamous
relationship approved of by all, I often wondered why it isn’t
more fulfilling. Over time I have decided the answer is that
this arrangement of monogamy is a man made social institution.
It does not address the full range of who we are. Living,
breathing, vital, sexual beings. We do not cease to be this
after we get married and have kids. It’s sad to me that we have
so much social and religious baggage upon us at the get go that
most people just accept some sort of ‘half alive’ existence and
try and convince themselves that they really want, unmodified,
the present arrangement that we have inherited over the generations.
Laws have been passed, religions have aggressively campaigned to
keep people in line with shame and fear and tradition, yet who
we are just keeps bubbling to the surface.
So why do we fight it so hard? What are we so afraid of? Being
happy and fulfilled? Why can’t everyone choose a committed
relationship where the inevitable responsibilities of child
rearing are satisfied, with an open door to emotional fulfilment
by working with nature rather than feebly attempting to force
our will upon it? In my mind, love and sex are only positive
things. What keeps people in chains are natural human jealousy
and posessiveness. And guess what? Those things are evolutionary
as well! We’re in this pickle because our history is complex. In
my view we pay a very high price for another inherent human need:
The need to simplify and apply a one size fits all recipie to life.
We want so much to idealize relationships, but they were not designed
for ideality. They were designed to spread good genes. What lasts
a lifetime are the responsibilities of creating life. For the
good people who do that, the least they could do for themselves is
leave expectations behind about monogamy and figure out something
that works. Something that will fulfil responsibilities as well
as provide something satisfying and adventurous and yes, exciting!
We need more of that, not less, as we face the drudgery and toil
of everyday life. To me, one of the saddest things about humanity
is its largely untapped well of love. It has been put in chains
by generations of people trying to force it to be what they want,
rather than making the best of what it is. We have to start
somewhere. I think Jenny is very courageous for simply being
honest with herself…about herself. That to me is the most appealing
thing of all in a person. The courage to thrive in life and love,
and seizing it with child-like enthusiasm! I think in time, our
society will gradually shed its baggage over sexuality. For some
it will be liberating and exhilarating. Many will chose to watch
from the cages they’ve built for themselves, envious of what they
see. Write me Jenny! Let’s hook up!
4 katie // Nov 3, 2008 at 10:55 pm
it hurts your husband. he said it himself. yeah - he ‘understands it intellectually’, but when was the last time you loved someone with your intellect?
it sounds like he loves you and that’s why he tolerates what you do. that’s why he’s never done it again or feel the need to. doesn’t “for my husband, sex with me was about loving me. And loving me was about caring for and respecting me” tell you something?
i find myself in a relationship heading in a similar direction, with me being the one being asked to tolerate an open relationship. my husband (who is bi) tells me ‘it’s just sex. it’s different, especially if he’s with a guy’.
for me, it’s crushing. i would *love* for someone to think that sex was about ‘loving me’. it’s called a commitment. ask your husband if he would like for you to stop having open relationships. truthfully. from his heart. the one that sees sex with you as loving you. not for an answer like ‘i intellectually understand why.’ see what he says.
sounds like you’re having your cake, eating it too, then throwing it in your husband’s face.
i’d be interested to know.
5 tracy // Nov 3, 2008 at 9:56 pm
i think its a good thing me and my wife are trying the open marriage out look to things and it is helping in our marriage its not for every one but it dose work for the ones that are open and wanting more….
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