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Portrait of an Open Marriage
It began with a threesome. And became her key to happily ever after.
by Jenny Block
It’s been interesting and hard and wonderful and confusing. It has led to some terribly sad moments and some incredibly joyful ones. The sad ones always stem from some combination of ego, insecurity, and lack of communication. The wonderful ones result from love and trust and understanding. But really, it’s blindingly simple. We give each other what we need, including freedom and space. We respect one another. And we are self-aware enough to know that we’re interested in, and capable of, exploring sex, whatever that means for us and despite what it may mean for anyone else. (That is, of course, anyone not sexually involved with us.) It has brought my husband and me closer than I ever imagined possible.
We communicate in ways I never dreamed of, staying up late at night talking about the nature of monogamy, of sexuality, of marriage, and of life in general. I suppose open marriage works for us for precisely that reason: because we talk about it, because it has opened us to one another. The learning curve certainly has been steep. We have absolutely, positively no models for what we’re doing. We’re really just the average couple next door. Really. We’ve just found that “owning” each other sexually doesn’t help our marriage.
It only hurts it.
It is amazing, though, how much trouble people have with open marriage. One person told me how sad he is that I need “conquests” and need others to find me sexually attractive to be satisfied, and that he hopes that one day I’ll find enough success elsewhere to overcome that. Another person told me she thinks I’m a lesbian who doesn’t want to give up the creature comforts my marriage provides. Still another said she’s scared for me and my relationship if I need such “fireworks.” But each of these statements said more about the speaker than about me.
The truth is I’m just like everyone else. I’m just trying to figure out all of this life stuff. It’s hard. There’s this one plan we’re all supposed to follow, this heterosexual, monogamous, child-rearing, one-size-fits-all model that we’re all supposed to goose-step into line with. But I can’t. In fact, I have a responsibility not to. I am responsible for my own orgasm—and my own happiness. And I don’t need other people to like me or to approve, and I don’t need others to live in the same way I do. I just need to do what I need to do, without hurting myself or others. For right now, at least, that means having sexual relationships outside of my marriage.
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1 cheated // May 14, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I’m there with Lisa. I had a very happy marriage with an extremely loving husband. But I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, so I convinced my husband towards an open marriage. He didn’t want to do it at first but reluctantly gave in. He fell in love with one of his partners (and she was younger!) and ran off with her. Not a day goes by that I don’t look upon my choice with regret or compare myself to the girl he’s left me for. (Was it sex, her body or youth?) I finally realize how my husband must have felt when I forced this idea on him.
2 responsible? // May 14, 2008 at 1:49 pm
i think open marriages are a cop-out. It’s selfish & an un-willingness & un-wantingness to learn how to learn and deal with the realities of being in a relationship and compromise. hell, i’d like to BE MARRIED & ACT SINGLE too so that I don’t have to deal with “the parts of marriage that don’t work for me”. If you have a partner that is willing to go along with an open marriage out of his love for you, you either found your soulmate or your doormat. open marriages are a time-bomb & gamble that i’m not convinced works if you have a truly “healthy marital relationship”. It keeps you from having to learn to deal with each other. It’s selfish & a Cop-out.
3 So Sad // May 7, 2008 at 1:04 am
“I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me.”
Wow, I didn’t know those were my only options: either be in an open marriage or have my husband cheat on me. Can I get Option C where I’m in a closed marriage with a husband that doesn’t cheat?? Do those even exist anymore? I guess not so my only option is to be cheated on with or without my knowledge. Hmmm… tough decision…. so sad some people think that’s what marriage has come to –>
“I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me.”
4 Twyla // May 6, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Thank you for your honesty. Can’t wait for the book to come out! I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me. People’s need change over time. Can we really get all of our needs met by one person over a lifetime?
5 skye // May 2, 2008 at 10:42 pm
It is really strange to me how many people respond to the concept of an open marriage with, “Then why be married?” Do you really think that sex rights are the hallmark of marriage? If you do, does that mean your marriage ends when and if you stop having sex w/ your spouse? If so, there are a hell of a lot more single elderly folks than I was aware of *lol* To me, marriage is a commitment to share your life with someone. Beyond that loose definition, all marriages differ. Some are single-income. Some are religious. Some include child-rearing. Some entail a shared bank account or three. But, let’s face it folks, NONE of these things are included in every marriage. It’s up to the people involved to clearly define what marriage means to them. They are not responsible for making the world at large comfortable with that definition–they only owe it to each other.
It is noted again and again that the author has painted a picture of her husband being uncomfortable with having an open marriage. I’m not sure of this is true and neither are you. You only know what SHE has said and it’s entirely possible that she worries about it more than he does. I’ve seen that often. Do you know what else I’ve seen often? I’ve seen one parter be uneasy about the neighborhood they live in while the other partner wants to stay. I’ve seen one partner homeschool while the other frets about what that will mean come college time. I’ve seen one partner spend way more money than the other is comfortable with. I’ve seen one partner worry that their spouse’s opposite-sex best friend will become a little TOO dear…
I could keep going but the point is, I’ve never seen both partners at exactly the same place over all major issues. I’ve seen apathy but that is not the same thing. If the uncomfortable partner agrees to the terms, it is up to that partner to deal with their emotions or ask for renegotiation.
Marriage IS all about responsibility and maturity. But that does not mean living the way other people tell you to. It means facing your wants and needs and your partners wants and needs and finding some semi-comfortable middle ground. I’m sure many of you on here have kids and would not appreciate those outside your family dictating to you how you should raise them. So, why is it you feel it’s ok to tell this woman how she should handle her marriage?
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