|
Portrait of an Open Marriage
It began with a threesome. And became her key to happily ever after.
by Jenny Block
Being secretive, lying, or sneaking around—those would be surefire ways to destroy our marriage. But the sex itself is not a threat. I think of it as the “playpen effect”: You keep a kid locked up in one of those things and all she thinks about is how to get out, how much she’ll love what’s in the other room. But let her roam free and check it all out, and odds are she’ll end up at your feet, playing with a puzzle. Is there a chance she’ll love another room and stay in there instead? Sure. Just like there’s always a chance one of us will fall in love with someone else and decide to end our marriage. But I don’t think that having sex outside our marriage increases that risk. In fact, I believe it decreases it, because it removes all the fantasy. I don’t pine. If I want someone (and he wants me), then I have him. So far, no one has come even close to making me want to jump ship. But I’ll tell you the truth: Before we tried out this open marriage thing, I definitely wondered about the quality of the grass in other lawns.
In all, making this work has been much less dramatic than one might imagine. Sex is a happy thing, a good thing. If I can find happiness in something so simple, without hurting anyone, why wouldn’t I? There’s no one swinging from our chandeliers. We don’t attend parties with fishbowls for keys at the door. And our daughter isn’t exposed to any sort of debauched behavior. None of this affects her at all, in fact, because she never sees anything out of the ordinary. When my friend stayed over, she was always back in the guest room before our daughter woke up, and she slept over as much before and after the affair as during. And there have been no other lovers in our home. Putting our needs over our daughter’s well-being is never an option.
My pattern of lovers fluctuates. There have been times when I’ve had a steady or two, men I kept in touch with after our initial “meeting.” There was my Skier Philosopher, who sent me delicious emails and met me for marathon nights in lavish hotels; my Playboy Analyst, who was the best friend of the guy my best friend was dating and who was happy to “take me in” when I visited her; my Young Romantic, who called me now and again, and would make plans to see me when he was in town. But mostly there have been more anonymous trysts. That seems to be where I am right now. Men—or women—I meet when I’m out of town, spend a night or two with and then never see or talk to again. Lots of people are basically in open marriages: They have illicit affairs. My husband and I simply decided we were ready to be honest, with ourselves and with each other, about what we want and need.
This is in no way a prescription for anyone else. All I know is how I feel, which is loved and cherished and secure—thanks to my husband. I want that. But I don’t see anything wrong with wanting more. And, for me, that “more” is longing. Mystery. Sexual tension. Craving—and getting tastes of—things I never wholly possess.
Why am I married, then? Many people have asked me that question. So I’ll tell you exactly what I tell them. As hot as it makes me when a new conquest whispers something scandalous in my ear, nothing thrills me like the sound of my husband’s voice when I hear him say, “Hey, baby, I’m home.”
Jenny Block has been married to her husband for almost nine years, two of them open. Her new book, Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, will be released June 1, 2008 from Seal Press. For more information, visit her website at www.jennyonthepage.com or her blog at open-marriage.blogspot.com.
   (17 votes, average: 3.82 out of 5) Loading ... |
Email to a Friend
Share on Facebook
Digg It
Delicious
Newsvine
Stumble
Reddit
1 cheated // May 14, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I’m there with Lisa. I had a very happy marriage with an extremely loving husband. But I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, so I convinced my husband towards an open marriage. He didn’t want to do it at first but reluctantly gave in. He fell in love with one of his partners (and she was younger!) and ran off with her. Not a day goes by that I don’t look upon my choice with regret or compare myself to the girl he’s left me for. (Was it sex, her body or youth?) I finally realize how my husband must have felt when I forced this idea on him.
2 responsible? // May 14, 2008 at 1:49 pm
i think open marriages are a cop-out. It’s selfish & an un-willingness & un-wantingness to learn how to learn and deal with the realities of being in a relationship and compromise. hell, i’d like to BE MARRIED & ACT SINGLE too so that I don’t have to deal with “the parts of marriage that don’t work for me”. If you have a partner that is willing to go along with an open marriage out of his love for you, you either found your soulmate or your doormat. open marriages are a time-bomb & gamble that i’m not convinced works if you have a truly “healthy marital relationship”. It keeps you from having to learn to deal with each other. It’s selfish & a Cop-out.
3 So Sad // May 7, 2008 at 1:04 am
“I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me.”
Wow, I didn’t know those were my only options: either be in an open marriage or have my husband cheat on me. Can I get Option C where I’m in a closed marriage with a husband that doesn’t cheat?? Do those even exist anymore? I guess not so my only option is to be cheated on with or without my knowledge. Hmmm… tough decision…. so sad some people think that’s what marriage has come to –>
“I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me.”
4 Twyla // May 6, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Thank you for your honesty. Can’t wait for the book to come out! I’d rather have an open marriage than to have a husband cheat on me. People’s need change over time. Can we really get all of our needs met by one person over a lifetime?
5 skye // May 2, 2008 at 10:42 pm
It is really strange to me how many people respond to the concept of an open marriage with, “Then why be married?” Do you really think that sex rights are the hallmark of marriage? If you do, does that mean your marriage ends when and if you stop having sex w/ your spouse? If so, there are a hell of a lot more single elderly folks than I was aware of *lol* To me, marriage is a commitment to share your life with someone. Beyond that loose definition, all marriages differ. Some are single-income. Some are religious. Some include child-rearing. Some entail a shared bank account or three. But, let’s face it folks, NONE of these things are included in every marriage. It’s up to the people involved to clearly define what marriage means to them. They are not responsible for making the world at large comfortable with that definition–they only owe it to each other.
It is noted again and again that the author has painted a picture of her husband being uncomfortable with having an open marriage. I’m not sure of this is true and neither are you. You only know what SHE has said and it’s entirely possible that she worries about it more than he does. I’ve seen that often. Do you know what else I’ve seen often? I’ve seen one parter be uneasy about the neighborhood they live in while the other partner wants to stay. I’ve seen one partner homeschool while the other frets about what that will mean come college time. I’ve seen one partner spend way more money than the other is comfortable with. I’ve seen one partner worry that their spouse’s opposite-sex best friend will become a little TOO dear…
I could keep going but the point is, I’ve never seen both partners at exactly the same place over all major issues. I’ve seen apathy but that is not the same thing. If the uncomfortable partner agrees to the terms, it is up to that partner to deal with their emotions or ask for renegotiation.
Marriage IS all about responsibility and maturity. But that does not mean living the way other people tell you to. It means facing your wants and needs and your partners wants and needs and finding some semi-comfortable middle ground. I’m sure many of you on here have kids and would not appreciate those outside your family dictating to you how you should raise them. So, why is it you feel it’s ok to tell this woman how she should handle her marriage?
Read All 197 Comments on Portrait of an Open Marriage