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Portrait of an Open Marriage
It began with a threesome. And became her key to happily ever after.
by Jenny Block
Being secretive, lying, or sneaking around—those would be surefire ways to destroy our marriage. But the sex itself is not a threat. I think of it as the “playpen effect”: You keep a kid locked up in one of those things and all she thinks about is how to get out, how much she’ll love what’s in the other room. But let her roam free and check it all out, and odds are she’ll end up at your feet, playing with a puzzle. Is there a chance she’ll love another room and stay in there instead? Sure. Just like there’s always a chance one of us will fall in love with someone else and decide to end our marriage. But I don’t think that having sex outside our marriage increases that risk. In fact, I believe it decreases it, because it removes all the fantasy. I don’t pine. If I want someone (and he wants me), then I have him. So far, no one has come even close to making me want to jump ship. But I’ll tell you the truth: Before we tried out this open marriage thing, I definitely wondered about the quality of the grass in other lawns.
In all, making this work has been much less dramatic than one might imagine. Sex is a happy thing, a good thing. If I can find happiness in something so simple, without hurting anyone, why wouldn’t I? There’s no one swinging from our chandeliers. We don’t attend parties with fishbowls for keys at the door. And our daughter isn’t exposed to any sort of debauched behavior. None of this affects her at all, in fact, because she never sees anything out of the ordinary. When my friend stayed over, she was always back in the guest room before our daughter woke up, and she slept over as much before and after the affair as during. And there have been no other lovers in our home. Putting our needs over our daughter’s well-being is never an option.
My pattern of lovers fluctuates. There have been times when I’ve had a steady or two, men I kept in touch with after our initial “meeting.” There was my Skier Philosopher, who sent me delicious emails and met me for marathon nights in lavish hotels; my Playboy Analyst, who was the best friend of the guy my best friend was dating and who was happy to “take me in” when I visited her; my Young Romantic, who called me now and again, and would make plans to see me when he was in town. But mostly there have been more anonymous trysts. That seems to be where I am right now. Men—or women—I meet when I’m out of town, spend a night or two with and then never see or talk to again. Lots of people are basically in open marriages: They have illicit affairs. My husband and I simply decided we were ready to be honest, with ourselves and with each other, about what we want and need.
This is in no way a prescription for anyone else. All I know is how I feel, which is loved and cherished and secure—thanks to my husband. I want that. But I don’t see anything wrong with wanting more. And, for me, that “more” is longing. Mystery. Sexual tension. Craving—and getting tastes of—things I never wholly possess.
Why am I married, then? Many people have asked me that question. So I’ll tell you exactly what I tell them. As hot as it makes me when a new conquest whispers something scandalous in my ear, nothing thrills me like the sound of my husband’s voice when I hear him say, “Hey, baby, I’m home.”
Jenny Block has been married to her husband for almost nine years, two of them open. Her new book, Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage, will be released June 1, 2008 from Seal Press. For more information, visit her website at www.jennyonthepage.com or her blog at open-marriage.blogspot.com.
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1 Agile Cyborg // Aug 23, 2008 at 7:37 pm
@What??
Relax kind human.
My post may seem alarming. It is meant to be. The information I posted, when applied in a strict law-based manner, is entirely accurate.
Actually, I am very supportive of Jenny and her lifestyle for an assortment of reasons.
One must keep in mind, though, that the fascinating venom she creates by sharing her life experiences is supported, in part, by state laws designed to criminalize alternative sexual behavior.
Check it out for yourself. Yes, it is weird and ridiculous. But don’t look at me kiddo- it is the LAW in many states.
2 What?? // Aug 23, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Agile Cyborg,
You post the WEIRDEST, most RIDICULOUS comments I have ever read. Get a life already…
3 Agile Cyborg // Aug 23, 2008 at 11:08 am
Not only is Jenny Block an adulteress she is a criminal. In most states adultery is a crime. Prove me wrong.
I would be precise in stating that Jenny is not only a criminal but she has engaged in a crime spree.
Tango is complicit in this law-breaking activity and therefore should be shut down by the state authorities for rewarding the voices of criminals as they dish out their debaucheries.
4 Noelle // Aug 18, 2008 at 10:59 am
Wow. The best kind of writer is one whose work I can understand and respect, even if I don’t agree with the point of view.
You didn’t sway me about the sanctity of marriage being monogamous, but thanks for opening my eyes to another perspective. Well done.
5 Denise // Aug 16, 2008 at 2:57 am
I can never understand our need to judge others for their lifestyle choices. As someone who has been cheated on, who has friends who’ve been cheated on, who has friend who are cheating I can understand and appreciate another’s need to re-define the parameters of their relationship to make it work. Many of Jenny’s detractors are persons sitting on their high horses feeling and thinking “I’m better than …”.
You have a beautiful and truly monogamous relationship, good for you. Perhaps because of my trust issues my thoughts are more along the lines of “poor you” for your delusions. But those are my issues. Because monogamy is right for you does not mean its right for me. To paraphrase Jenny’s boyfriend … You’re responsible for your own happiness. Do what works for you, while it may not work for me I can’t begrudge you your happiness.
Jenny’s story is nothing new, perhaps the newness is the fact that she’s a woman, but at least she’s honest enough to acknowledge her needs, honest enough to redefine her relationship to meet her needs rather than society’s norms. And if that makes her and her husband happy kudos to them, I’ve seen too many people hurt themselves trying to denying their happiness to meet other people’s expectations.
Many of you who stand in judgement would define yourself as tolerant of others but are you really? We can’t all agree, have the same opinions or the same ideals. Be mature enough to see another point without having to agree with it.
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