Dealing With A Monster In Law

by Susan King

Q: My mother-in law and I always have had an amicable relationship. She can be opinionated, overprotective of her three sons, irrational, and a tad misogynistic, but she usually makes up for it with her generous and caring spirit. Last week, however, I was the victim of one of her vicious, unwarranted attacks—which my sisters-in-law had warned me about.

She accused me of being unsupportive of my husband’s career, selfish for wanting him to accompany me on visits to my family, and dismissive of some of my nieces and nephews. For the record, when my husband was transferred overseas, I didn’t hesitate to leave my job, a new house, and our family and friends—nor do I grumble much about his constant travel and long hours. We see his family more than mine. And I remind my M.I.L. of my nieces’ and nephews’ birthdays, and inquire about them every time I speak to her.

So now I know: Avoid touchy topics when she’s into a bottle of wine, and never vent to her about her workaholic son. But she hasn’t apologized, and is just pretending it never happened. I have a hard time doing the same, considering some of her comments were really cruel and unjustified. Also, I’m unhappy that my husband has not come to my defense. (He sympathized with me, but didn’t follow through on speaking to his mother.) Aside from my declaration that we won’t be moving to my husband’s hometown until his mother is six feet under, what should I do? What should I expect him to do?
Irritated Daughter-in-Law, a.k.a. Mrs. Mama’s Boy

A: Understandably you’re feeling betrayed by your formerly “amicable” M.I.L. You are taking some good steps: avoiding touchy subjects when she is drinking, and not relying on her as an outlet for venting about your husband. (Never a good idea.) It seems likely that her behavior actually may be due to a drinking problem. Perhaps she hasn’t apologized because she doesn’t remember the incident the way you do, or remember it at all. If this is the case, her behavior won’t change unless the drinking stops. Getting to the bottom of that will be a family effort. In the meantime, if you want to try to smooth things over, discuss the situation with her by stating facts (not accusations) openly and calmly. Make sure your thoughts are collected, and that she is sober and receptive.

It is hurtful when you feel your partner doesn’t back or protect you. There could be any number of reasons why he won’t get in the middle. Maybe he feels it ultimately could create a bigger division between the two of you. Maybe having a relationship with his mother requires that he overlook her faults and stay quiet on some subjects. Maybe the behavior that is hurtful to you simply isn’t hurtful to him. Who knows what can of worms might be opened if he “comes to your defense.” You need to establish boundaries with your mother-in-law to protect yourself, whether or not your husband intervenes.

Your letter also hints at resentment toward your husband for reasons beyond this incident. Think about whether this is the case, and be careful not to let this situation become a stand-in for other unresolved conflicts. Addressing issues with your husband should be your first priority—and those with your mother-in-law your second.