Renovate Your Way To Love

by Emily Bolls

Instead of “Hi, honey, how’s it going? I brought you a burrito and beer,” I’d ask, “Will the sink be in by the time we move? Do you think my mom will help us pay for asbestos abatement? Why aren’t you wearing a respirator?” And then I’d look around at the mess that was our house, and I’d start crying.

Needless to say, my takeout bags were much better received than I was. Likewise, my suggestions that we off-load some of the work to professionals didn’t go over very well. Ryan comes from hardy stock, a long line of thrifty do-it-yourselfers. Costly contractors—whose attention to detail is notoriously lacking— just weren’t part of his plans.

Those months right before and after the move were the start of a dangerous dynamic: Ryan felt like nothing he did would ever be enough; I felt like our house might never be a comfortable home.

Apparently, our experience is not uncommon. Dr. Michael Klein, PhD, a San Francisco-based couples therapist and adjunct faculty member at the California Institute of Integral Studies, says remodeling is a huge stress trigger among couples. Klein puts it in a larger category of home stressors that also includes where to live (for example, “Should we stay in the city, or move to the suburbs?”) and home purchasing.

After sex and money (in that order), Klein ranks the home front the third most common cause of tension among couples. In addition to the potential for differing opinions about design choices, home-improvement projects can be huge financial drains, which can bump remodeling back up to the number-two trigger, money.