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The Other Woman: What A Mistress Knows
A former mistress offers hard-learned advice to new wives.
by Michael Drury
Intelligence is necessary for oneself first, and after that for love to come alive in. Any man who is drawn solely to surfaces and youthful charm is eventually not going to be enough of a man for the woman you shall have become, if you grow at all. It is just that simple. Love is vastly more than sex and family life, a social unit, an economic cog, no matter how superbly marriage fills these niches.
We love most those who make us fulfill whatever greatness lies in us, not those who induce us to resign it. Remember how it was at first, how you went around pouring out; and refill your reservoir from the same springs as before you met, for that is what brought love to your door.
A mistress perceives that love is not calibrated in length of days but in height and depth. A love affair is constantly subject to two threats: a foreseeable end and a fragmentary present,which ought to destroy it but they don’t. A love affair does not ask security against the world’s fate; it shares that fate and knows it only too poignantly, which gives it great vitality for its season.
Marriage is often an attempt to bring life as nearly to a standstill as possible, guaranteeing what no one can: to go on feeling a certain way.
Swearing to love forever is like promising to feel perpetually any other emotion, fear or sorrow, admiration or joy. What one can swear is to go on being worth loving, a vow that is more flexible, more attainable, and more true.
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1 cris // Mar 21, 2008 at 6:26 pm
No disagreement, read more slowly, although it would be nice to think people could grow together and continue to love each other… even be sexually faithful. If this was written 50 years ago, marriage was much more “secure” then when people didn’t divorce at the proverbial drop of a hat. Also, back then, it was an economic arrangement for most women. Several factors to consider. Personally, I had a bad role model for marriage. My parents are still together, though they’ve been unhappy for decades. (the catholic thing, I suppose). Because I never knew of a loving marriage growing up, I didn’t marry. Never even considered it in spite of several offers. Well, I did think about it once. Never wanted children either. I’ve been happily independent all my life, but might consider marriage in my old age IF the right person comes along.
2 read more slowly // Mar 20, 2008 at 10:55 pm
It was indeed a difficult piece to comprehend but one that was, nonetheless, comprehendible. I try not to fault a writer for being too wordy, especially when the writer is attempting to communicate something more profound than simple phrases and sentences can communicate. I got the sense that this is what Drury was doing. I don’t think she’s exactly saying that marriage kills love (cris), and just because it was written “50 years ago” (lannie and charlotte) doesn’t make it less relevant today. What she is saying is that marriage doesn’t necessarily have to do with love. Love is about being with someone who allows us or assists us to follow our (other) desires and to more fully develop into whole, independent beings. And love does not require promises of tomorrow; love is not about the future or security but about the present. Marriage, on the other hand, creates a false sense of security that the love one feels today is the same feeling one will feel tomorrow. Again, marriage doesn’t necessarily kill love. It can serve its purpose at particular times in our lives - it helps us grow in the same way our childhood experiences helped us grow. But, we have to recognize that things (feelings, people and thus marriages) change over time, and it is illusory and counter-productive to think otherwise. Some of us may realize that “our” marriage (those who decide to marry) no longer serves us. But when we realize our marriage is “over”, we must be able to recognize ourselves as whole, independent beings - ie, people who take responsibility for our own circumstances, our own choices and our own outcomes. But alas, she laments, people seem to choose marriage (security) over love (less secure but more fulfilling). I think it’s a beautiful piece, and very wise. Thank you.
3 robert // Mar 20, 2008 at 8:28 pm
That was profoundly eloquent but ultimately without any real substance. I was almost convinced that it had been written by a word generator by the time I reached the end. It just seemed to ramble about nothing… like a sentence with no subject.
4 cris // Mar 19, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I agree with several other posts; that writer must have been paid by the word. Rambling, practically incoherent. There was no real point except, apparently, its better to be a mistress than to be married because marriage kills love. That’s certainly true in some cases, but cannot be said for all marriages. This piece could have been reduced to one paragraph. What a waste of space. I forced myself to finish it, but it was a chore. Good Grief!! As for “love guvs”, a love affair with a mistress is not the same as hiring a hooker.
5 Nina // Mar 19, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I don’t care who wrote that, the gender of the author or when it was written- That was ridiculous. My god, who could read the whole book?
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