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365 Days of Online Dating
The ready-to-fall-in-love author dedicates herself to one year of online dating.
by Pam Widener
When I came across a man I was attracted to, I decided to create my profile in earnest. I checked off all the little boxes: “never” smoke, “sometimes” drink, “never” use drugs. Interested in a “serious relationship” with a man who “never” smokes, “sometimes” drinks, and “never” uses drugs. I talked about my love of tennis and the streets of Rome; I mentioned my “adorable 2-year-old daughter,” whose birth was my “most humbling moment.”
When the time came to upload a photo, I was dismayed by my options. Most of the digital pictures I had of myself had been taken in the beleaguered days following the birth of my daughter, and featured an alarming amount of unkempt hair and unbuttoned blouses. Recalling the old adage about never getting a second chance to make a first impression, I washed my hair, applied a bit more makeup than usual, and went to the Kmart photo booth, where I sat for 20 minutes looking slyly into the camera in a way that I would never have been able to for an actual photographer. Finally, I bought a flatbed scanner to upload my new photos. ($79 seemed like a small price to pay for finding true love.)
And then I took the plunge. I contacted the man whose profile had attracted me, a great-looking architect who “couldn’t live without” his two kids and The New York Times. “Well, here goes,” I wrote, making sure he understood how new I was to this. I complimented him on his “flair for syntax” and closed by saying, “If, for whatever reason, I don’t hear from you, no hard feelings, and best of luck with all this.”
I didn’t hear from him.
If we applied the rules of acceptable online personals etiquette to three-dimensional behavior, the world would be a rude and confusing place. Imagine walking up to someone in a bar, or at your local gym, saying hello to them, then having them look you up and down, turn their back on you and start talking to someone else. Of the 19 men I contacted over the course of the past year, eight of them simply didn’t respond to my messages. At first it was hard not to take the rejections personally. But, as I gained more experience and the tables began to turn (of the 135 men who contacted me, I simply didn’t respond to 90 of them), I came to understand that the reasons for ignoring someone online range from non-attraction to just being too busy to take down an outdated profile. I didn’t disdain any of the men I ignored; I simply didn’t feel that elusive two-dimensional spark. And given the choice between sending a polite rejection letter and simply not responding, the latter seemed like the more sensible thing to do.
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1 Mario // Jul 25, 2008 at 3:21 pm
This was great!!!
I was thinking a lot about Personals. I never knew which way to go so I always tried to ‘keep it real’ and try to meet people on the 3-d world! :p
it’s still hard for me with the few people I mail and that don’t live close to me, but with a few I’ve developed great sentiments of empathy and the rest, I would like to meet them in person now.
I’ve dated online before. One advice: keep it real all the time (even one friend taught me that through our endless corresponse), although, it’s always difficult to say if you’re going to have ‘chemistry’ once you meet each other in person!!
Well, anyways, great article. Good to know I’m not the only one who goes through this!!
Thanks!!
2 Regard Your Date As A Serial Killer // May 5, 2008 at 11:48 am
[…] There are some clear dos and don’ts when it comes to online dating. […]
3 Patricia // May 16, 2007 at 4:47 am
The article was discouraging. I think it’s all a numbers game whether it be online or in the real world. The more people you meet, the better your chances of finding someone with whom you’ll click.
4 Jennifer // Apr 16, 2007 at 10:10 am
I must admit, I finally gave into the whole internet dating scene a year and a half ago at 35 and never married. I was unwilling to get the thow backs at the bar scene, and I wasn’t exactly having to rehinge my front door from guys beating it down. It completely stressed me out! However, I met who I THOUGHT was The One. Well, I’m about to turn 37, cancelling wedding plans. Thank you, dear GOD that I did not actually move the date up and take a job to relocate as he was pushing me to do. Easy come, easy go — NEXT! Laissez les bon temps rouler (soon, I hope).
5 Adonya // Apr 9, 2007 at 11:23 pm
I can’t believe I can actually relate to this story on several levels.
I’ve been dating online more off than on since 1999. I’ve met some nice men, and I’ve also met some jerks. One of the reasons why I prefer online dating to the bar scene is I get to invest quality time (right from start) in weeding out the bad eggs. You can’t really do that in a bar. Once the alcohol kincks in, EVERYONE starts looking good. 
Thanks for the wonderful article!!!!
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