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He Wants Kids, You Don’t. Now What?
Advice: I want a family. She doesn't. Do I end the marriage?
by Susan King
Q: I’m 33 and my wife is 32. We’ve been married for five years and have a pretty good life—a nice house, interesting jobs, a great group of friends. Of course, our relationship isn’t perfect (whose is?). But I never had serious doubts about our future until recently, when my wife made it clear that she does not want to have children. She has always been ambivalent on this front, but when we met we were so young that I figured her views would change as we gained the financial means to support a family. While I would never force her to have children she doesn’t want, I also don’t know if I can be happy forfeiting my chance to be a father. I love my wife, and don’t want to leave her. But I’m still relatively young. Should I get out while I still have time to start over?
–frustrated father
A: My sense is that you have had many indications along the way that your wife would not ultimately want to have children. Presumably, you have been with her since she was in her late twenties. “Young,” yes, but certainly old enough so that her doubts about starting a family should have been deemed real. You state that you figured she would change. Instead, fantasy has now set reality, which eventually happens when the assumption is that the other person in the relationship will do the changing.
It is important for you to acknowledge that your wife has clear vision on her decision not to have children. You must accept that she is not going to “give in” and that you cannot change her mind. That leaves only one decision, and it is yours to make: Do you stay in your marriage and forego fatherhood, or do you leave the relationship to pursue a new path with the hope and expectation that it involves fatherhood?
First of all, consider what it is about fatherhood that appeals to you. Are there ways to accomplish that without having children of your own? For example, if you have nieces and nephews that live close by, you could strive to be the most involved uncle in the world from infancy on up. Or you could volunteer in a mentoring program for children. Or you could participate in children’s programs through your church, temple, or other organizations. In other words, there may be lots of ways to enjoy children, and to provide them with guidance and love that may be satisfying to you. It is possible that exploring these avenues could meet your fathering needs well enough without actually becoming a father.
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1 Shadow // Nov 4, 2008 at 11:24 pm
This is the very best advice on this subject I have ever read. A vast majority of help I have read blame the woman for being unnatural or selfish for daring to deny her partner children. You’re advice, I feel, was spot-on, and very unbiased. I am personally facing this same dilemma with my partner - I am the female who doesn’t want children, and he is the man who wants them. I may send him this and let him read it sometime so maybe he can get a clearer understanding of his own thoughts and find out if he actually wants children or just thinks it’s the only thing he could accomplish in life that is bragworthy.
I do agree that the guy is naive for thinking his wife would change her mind on such a groundbreaking level just for him. So, really, he brought this upon himself. And I think he would be insane to give up a woman he knows he loves in order to have someone in his life whom he might love (as we all know, a child being your own biological offspring is no guarantee you will love it).
Thank you for providing this superb advice. I hope more men in this guys situation read this.
2 Sasha // Jun 23, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I don’t think the blame lies just on the husband. It lies with BOTH of them.
As Sara mentioned, this is something that should be worked out BEFORE getting married. The reason being, this is definitely a relationship dealbreaker.
I don’t think he should just accept her choice and give up having children of his own. Likewise, I don’t think she should be coerced to change her mind about having kids. Someone is going to have to wholeheartedly change their position for this marriage to continue.
The desire to have children is a fundamental right. Whether naturally or by adoption, the pull to nurture the next generation is strong in most of us as we get older. If the writer was a 38 year old woman whose husband decided not to have kids, people wouldn’t think twice about her divorcing her partner. This is also a valid reason for divorce for men (see Brad Pitt).
3 Sara // Apr 1, 2008 at 4:19 am
I don’t know why couples don’t work this out BEFORE getting married! I have friends that just started dscussing this and they’re engaged. I don’t get it, when my husband and I got serious about each other we worked it all out, we’ll either have one or two. And that’s it! That decision was made years ago!
It’s both the husband and the wife’s fault that this isn’t working for them. The husband wanted kids but figured she would change. He’s crass to get rid of her for it. But the wife knew that he wanted them and didn’t speak up, either! Dumb.
4 Terry // Jan 17, 2008 at 5:45 pm
This guy needs to apologize to his wife. He knew right from the beginning that she might never want children — he should only have married her if he was willing to accept that. Now it’s years later, and maybe she’s not as OK with the idea of “starting over” as he is. Maybe she thinks she’s found someone who loves her for who she is, someone who will be there forever. Now she gets to find out not only that she is disposable, but also that her husband had so little respect for her clearly voiced doubts on parenthood, that he gave himself in married assuming she would change her mind. That’s a pretty serious assumption. Next time he should think about premarital counseling, where things like this are nailed down. There is no compromise on having a baby — you have one or you don’t.