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Coping With Financial Inequality
Sometimes financial disparity can be a major problem in a relationship.
by Martha Baer
“Money is like an engine, it drives other things,” notes Helga Hayse, author of Don’t Worry About A Thing, Dear: Why Women Need Financial Intimacy. “People make assumptions about money, but in my experience, whoever has more of it has more leverage in the relationship.”
Lola Smith, 35, is living proof. The pharmaceutical representative from Arlington, VA, once dated a man with an exceedingly large trust fund; he wooed her with expensive dinners and lavish gifts, and flew her around the country in his private plane.
Although Smith grew up in an upper-middle-class household, she was not used to such extravagances. “I always tried to pay my own way with him,” she says. “I didn’t want him to think I was with him just for his money. I also knew that if I let him pay for me all the time, he’d feel a certain amount of control over me. I didn’t want to feel like he owned me.”
Losing leverage in a relationship can be unsettling. James Willis, a 37-year-old theater director, comes from a very well-to-do family. He has always been financially generous with his lovers, many of whom have abused his impulse. Once, when he had forgotten his wallet at dinner, a boyfriend said to him, pointblank, “Well, I expect you to reimburse me. You have way more money than I do.”
Willis was furious. “It wasn’t about the money—it was about the effort and the expectation,” he said. “Why did I have to pay all the time?” He felt taken advantage of. Did people become involved with him solely because of his deep pockets?
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1 New York Women Closing Gender Income Gap, Complicating Relationships // Nov 12, 2007 at 2:51 pm
[…] Stouter - and women like her across the city - are facing a new reality. After decades of lagging behind men, full-time working women at the beginning of their careers in New York and other big cities are now outearning their male counterparts. Tango’s Take And this isn’t just relegated to NYC. Women have been gaining on men in terms of education for a generation. It only makes sense that the earning (particularly in the first job) is starting to even out. Women earning more than their husbands could be problematic later in their relationship. If she significantly out-earns him, it becomes a tougher decision regarding childcare and homemaking choices. While many men (like Michael Keaton) have proven that they can handle the gig, women are generally thought to be better at that kind of stuff. We also bet that some women who earn much more than their guy might have very strong opinions about how things should be done around the house. And we could envision a scenario that involves the husband feeling the need to wear the pants, periodically. Martha Baer does a great job of exploring this topic in her article on Financial Inequality. […]
2 suzanne // Dec 25, 2006 at 9:44 pm
i entirely agree with what i have read.my spouse and i have been married 3 years and i have supported her. we are both disabled and she is fighting for her social security. we took on a part time job at a flea market and since most of the material makes the money, she has had control over me.i wish we had definitely talked about finances before we committed.