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Coping With Financial Inequality
Sometimes financial disparity can be a major problem in a relationship.
by Martha Baer
But he also felt guilty. Who was he kidding? A hundred bucks was no big deal to him, whereas he knew it was a significant sum of money to his boyfriend. He broke off the relationship, and decided to not be so forthcoming about his finances in the future. “I just figured it was best to make sure people were with me for me, and not because I had money,” he explains.
As often as not, issues of wealth disparity can become complicated by traditional gender roles. “It’s a cultural expectation that men are going to be the breadwinners,” says Ginny Graves, co-author of For Richer or Poorer: Keeping Your Marriage Happy When She’s Making More Money. But today, when 35 percent of married working women earn more than their husbands, that expectation plays out in complex ways.
David Zweifler met his wife, Sarah, in 1997. Zweifler, now 34, was a research analyst for Bear Stearns; Sarah was head of marketing for a multinational law firm, raking in $30,000 more a year than he did. “I respected the fact that she was earning that much money,” he says. “But I made a point of covering at least half of the dates and dinners—and probably a little bit more, because I’m the guy.”
Sometimes, money issues can stop a relationship in its tracks. For five years, Sheila Velazques, 30, lived with a man who was unemployed for most of their time together. Part of the problem, she admits, was that he didn’t actively seek work—and by default she ended up paying his way. “It was a huge turnoff,” she says. “He had no ambition, and didn’t show any signs of changing. What if I had wanted to stay home with our kids?”
Melissa Jacobs, 34, had a more successful experience. The social worker from Greenville, SC, married a man whose family has considerably less money than hers (his father was a transit worker; hers was a lawyer). They met in college, and since he was working to pay the bills, she would pay when they went out on dates.
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1 New York Women Closing Gender Income Gap, Complicating Relationships // Nov 12, 2007 at 2:51 pm
[…] Stouter - and women like her across the city - are facing a new reality. After decades of lagging behind men, full-time working women at the beginning of their careers in New York and other big cities are now outearning their male counterparts. Tango’s Take And this isn’t just relegated to NYC. Women have been gaining on men in terms of education for a generation. It only makes sense that the earning (particularly in the first job) is starting to even out. Women earning more than their husbands could be problematic later in their relationship. If she significantly out-earns him, it becomes a tougher decision regarding childcare and homemaking choices. While many men (like Michael Keaton) have proven that they can handle the gig, women are generally thought to be better at that kind of stuff. We also bet that some women who earn much more than their guy might have very strong opinions about how things should be done around the house. And we could envision a scenario that involves the husband feeling the need to wear the pants, periodically. Martha Baer does a great job of exploring this topic in her article on Financial Inequality. […]
2 suzanne // Dec 25, 2006 at 9:44 pm
i entirely agree with what i have read.my spouse and i have been married 3 years and i have supported her. we are both disabled and she is fighting for her social security. we took on a part time job at a flea market and since most of the material makes the money, she has had control over me.i wish we had definitely talked about finances before we committed.