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Coping With Financial Inequality
Sometimes financial disparity can be a major problem in a relationship.
by Martha Baer
“I had everything handed to me and he didn’t—and I knew that if I wanted us to do things, I’d have to pay,” she says. She didn’t mind—but she does resent paying for things when they go out with his family. “They never reciprocate!” she says. “We fly to see them, and we’ll buy them dinner. I keep thinking it’s because they don’t have anything, but it bothers me.” Does she say anything to her husband about her feelings? “Absolutely not!” she says. “We just come from different cultures, and he’s not going to change his parents at this point. I have to pick my battles.”
Just as every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, every financially unequal partnership has its own special set of problems—and solutions. And just as it tends to be easier to date someone from a similar cultural, religious, and educational background, it’s often easier to be with someone who has similar attitudes about money.
“Wealth-management people call it financial incompatibility, and it’s a very real issue,” says Helga Hayse. “Money is the one remaining taboo in marriage. It used to be sex, but no more.
Everyone goes into marriage expecting a good sex life. But they don’t talk about money.” (Nearly two-thirds of married couples who responded to a 2006 USA Today poll said they had talked “a little bit or “not at all” about finances before committing to one another).
So, is your relationship doomed if you come from different financial backgrounds? Or if you can’t discuss your feelings about money? Mine clearly was (perhaps because, as financial guru Suze Orman puts it, “Opposites may attract, but I wouldn’t put my money on a relationship between financial opposites.”)
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1 New York Women Closing Gender Income Gap, Complicating Relationships // Nov 12, 2007 at 2:51 pm
[…] Stouter - and women like her across the city - are facing a new reality. After decades of lagging behind men, full-time working women at the beginning of their careers in New York and other big cities are now outearning their male counterparts. Tango’s Take And this isn’t just relegated to NYC. Women have been gaining on men in terms of education for a generation. It only makes sense that the earning (particularly in the first job) is starting to even out. Women earning more than their husbands could be problematic later in their relationship. If she significantly out-earns him, it becomes a tougher decision regarding childcare and homemaking choices. While many men (like Michael Keaton) have proven that they can handle the gig, women are generally thought to be better at that kind of stuff. We also bet that some women who earn much more than their guy might have very strong opinions about how things should be done around the house. And we could envision a scenario that involves the husband feeling the need to wear the pants, periodically. Martha Baer does a great job of exploring this topic in her article on Financial Inequality. […]
2 suzanne // Dec 25, 2006 at 9:44 pm
i entirely agree with what i have read.my spouse and i have been married 3 years and i have supported her. we are both disabled and she is fighting for her social security. we took on a part time job at a flea market and since most of the material makes the money, she has had control over me.i wish we had definitely talked about finances before we committed.