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Stop Settling for So-So Sex!
The key to improving mediocre sex is getting to the root of the problem.
by Ky Henderson
Everyone has deal breakers.
They’re the unalterable qualities in your prospective partner that eliminate the possibility of a happy relationship. Some are shallow: gnarly feet, freakishly small hands, a CD collection that’s a little heavy on the Limp Bizkit. But others are critical indicators of compatibility: he doesn’t want kids and you do. Or his deeply held religious convictions don’t mesh with your own.
But one potential deal breaker defies categorization: bad sex. Is it a shallow concern that shouldn’t matter if two people care about each other? Is it the ultimate indicator of compatibility because it’s so primal? Or is it not a deal breaker at all because, with enough time and effort, it can be fixed?
“Sometimes people just need a little physical training,” says Barbara Keesling, PhD, author of Sex So Great She Can’t Get Enough. “But since passion is practically a philosophical concept, bad sex almost always results from emotional, mental, and physical issues.”
Before you can figure out whether you can improve the bad sex you’re having, you have to figure out if you’re having bad sex. Every couple has an unsatisfying or disappointing encounter now and again.
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1 coffee yogurt // Feb 18, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Excellent post. I agree with Suzie, more indepth content is a big need. This blog is a good starting point, however. Its so easy to advise, “communicate more” but its hard to find concrete advice on the particulars of successful dialog. keeping it positive at best or neutral at worst, and out of the bedroom, these are excellent pointers. But I definately agree that dishonest (though well intentioned) feedback after inadequate sex merely reinforces mediocre performance. he won’t know unless we tell him the truth. Too many men think their thrusting is enough and believe this despite many dissatisfied (silent) partners. Then when a longterm partner finally speaks the truth, he says, “it must be your problem. None of my former partners ever complained” argh. Women — speak up! Men — listen up! Frustrated man, congrats on valuing your marriage enough to resist your wife’s offer for an open marriage. Let her know you want HER and only her. You want her to experience pleasure, not just get pleasure from her. And tell her you want to help her figure out how you can both get there. I wonder if your “addictive” history has played any role? A mental health specialist (with expertise in both couples work and addiction) might be needed.
2 lilD // Jan 28, 2008 at 7:12 pm
in cases like this, i think the thing to do is praise what you like, ie give positive reinforcement and suggest what else you might like, again - positive reinforcement plus practical and proactive. sex is too important to lie about or brush under the rug plus by dealing constructively with something as potentially sensitive as this can lead to greater intimacy.
i imagine this is a pretty common issue among couples - real or perceived. i suspect a lot of people expect to ahve porn star sex given what the media presents to us.
3 alex // Jan 28, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Frustrated Man,
I’d suggest having an open dialogue with your wife on this front, as perhaps she can tell you what’s holding her back in the sexual arena.
Sounds like she might benefit from meeting with a professional, too, but I’d say only suggest this if you believe it won’t upset her. Presenting it in a “you seem to be battling something, how can I help?” manner is what I’ve found works best with women, especially those who are slightly down.
And, I’d suggest being persistent, so that it’s not something you both can ignore or brush under the rug to later come out as a deeper issue.
4 susieq // Jan 28, 2008 at 9:55 am
Isn’t some of this stuff obvious but difficult? It’s not easy to talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom but sex is an important part of any relationship.
5 Jonny Hairdont // Jan 28, 2008 at 9:49 am
I always assumed that any sex was good sex. Like pizza. But I have had learned differently about both since I’ve moved to New York. I guess beggars can’t be choosers.
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