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Stop Settling for So-So Sex!
The key to improving mediocre sex is getting to the root of the problem.
by Ky Henderson
You’re tired, or the kids interrupt you, or the 11 happy-hour mai tais you accidentally drank make it impossible to get even one leg out of your pants. Using movies—which almost always depict couples having perfectly lit, simultaneously orgasmic sex (Check out some erotic flicks you’ll both like.)—as a yardstick will only make you feel needlessly inadequate. So what, exactly, qualifies as bad sex?
“If either person is dissatisfied over the long term, it’s bad sex,” explains Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist in Cambridge, MA, and author of The Heart and Soul of Sex. “We’ve been taught that good sex is intercourse where the man and woman achieve orgasm. But that’s just a small part. In fact, if you ask 100 people what bad sex is, they’ll all tell you how it makes them feel. And every single person may feel something different.”
Martha’s* feelings changed from elation to humiliation the first time she had sex with an attractive coworker. “I was so excited to sleep with him, but when we got in bed he turned into Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman— he wouldn’t kiss me,” says the 30- year-old lawyer.
“I told myself it was OK, because sometimes sex is just dirty and fun.” But after several months of the same behavior, she realized it really wasn’t OK. “I was certain I was in love with him, and just watching him walk around the office turned me on! But I couldn’t get turned on in bed. Finally, I asked him to kiss me in the middle of the act and he actually said no—then finished. It was the last time we slept together.”
The secret to good sex is figuring out what you need to be happy in bed. Most people never enter the bedroom alone; they always bring baggage with them. Whether it’s something as serious as sexual abuse or as natural as the habits formed with past lovers, everyone has expectations, and they can derail a new couple’s sex life.
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1 coffee yogurt // Feb 18, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Excellent post. I agree with Suzie, more indepth content is a big need. This blog is a good starting point, however. Its so easy to advise, “communicate more” but its hard to find concrete advice on the particulars of successful dialog. keeping it positive at best or neutral at worst, and out of the bedroom, these are excellent pointers. But I definately agree that dishonest (though well intentioned) feedback after inadequate sex merely reinforces mediocre performance. he won’t know unless we tell him the truth. Too many men think their thrusting is enough and believe this despite many dissatisfied (silent) partners. Then when a longterm partner finally speaks the truth, he says, “it must be your problem. None of my former partners ever complained” argh. Women — speak up! Men — listen up! Frustrated man, congrats on valuing your marriage enough to resist your wife’s offer for an open marriage. Let her know you want HER and only her. You want her to experience pleasure, not just get pleasure from her. And tell her you want to help her figure out how you can both get there. I wonder if your “addictive” history has played any role? A mental health specialist (with expertise in both couples work and addiction) might be needed.
2 lilD // Jan 28, 2008 at 7:12 pm
in cases like this, i think the thing to do is praise what you like, ie give positive reinforcement and suggest what else you might like, again - positive reinforcement plus practical and proactive. sex is too important to lie about or brush under the rug plus by dealing constructively with something as potentially sensitive as this can lead to greater intimacy.
i imagine this is a pretty common issue among couples - real or perceived. i suspect a lot of people expect to ahve porn star sex given what the media presents to us.
3 alex // Jan 28, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Frustrated Man,
I’d suggest having an open dialogue with your wife on this front, as perhaps she can tell you what’s holding her back in the sexual arena.
Sounds like she might benefit from meeting with a professional, too, but I’d say only suggest this if you believe it won’t upset her. Presenting it in a “you seem to be battling something, how can I help?” manner is what I’ve found works best with women, especially those who are slightly down.
And, I’d suggest being persistent, so that it’s not something you both can ignore or brush under the rug to later come out as a deeper issue.
4 susieq // Jan 28, 2008 at 9:55 am
Isn’t some of this stuff obvious but difficult? It’s not easy to talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom but sex is an important part of any relationship.
5 Jonny Hairdont // Jan 28, 2008 at 9:49 am
I always assumed that any sex was good sex. Like pizza. But I have had learned differently about both since I’ve moved to New York. I guess beggars can’t be choosers.
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