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Stop Settling for So-So Sex!
The key to improving mediocre sex is getting to the root of the problem.
by Ky Henderson
If you expect sex to be boring, it probably will be. If you assume your partner will enjoy something that an ex liked, you’ll be less attuned to his actual response.
In fact, it’s not at all unusual for one person to be perfectly satisfied with sex while the other person is not—and the happy person may not realize that his or her partner is dissatisfied. So if you’re the unhappy one, you have to change things. “Communicating about sexual issues is one of the more important things a couple needs to do,” says Michael Milburn, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Boston and coauthor of Sexual Intelligence. “You need to be able to talk comfortably about sex with your partner.”
When, where, and how you talk about sex can be the difference between a productive conversation and a catastrophic meltdown. Bringing up your misgivings during sex is, to say the least, not recommended; doing it immediately afterwards could make your partner feel like he’s being attacked—and besides, his snoring may drown you out. Take the conversation outside the bedroom to keep it neutral and non-threatening. But try not to do it in, say, a crowded subway car.
If talking about the problem directly is too daunting, find another way to raise your concerns. “My boyfriend was sweet, but extremely inexperienced,” says Stephanie, a 26-year-old teacher. “I had no idea how to address it without hurting his ego. But one day at a bookstore I picked up The Joy of Sex, and told him it would be hot if we could read it together. And let me tell you, that book holds up.”
In a healthy relationship, tricks like that can, well, do the trick. But sometimes people blame their bad relationship on bad sex when the bad sex is, in fact, a result of the bad relationship. It’s an especially easy trap for men to fall into. “They put more importance on sex and ignore intimacy,” Keesling says. “They think that if they can get laid and enjoy it, things will be OK. Well, that’s naïve—and they often end up going out and having sex with someone else.”
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1 coffee yogurt // Feb 18, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Excellent post. I agree with Suzie, more indepth content is a big need. This blog is a good starting point, however. Its so easy to advise, “communicate more” but its hard to find concrete advice on the particulars of successful dialog. keeping it positive at best or neutral at worst, and out of the bedroom, these are excellent pointers. But I definately agree that dishonest (though well intentioned) feedback after inadequate sex merely reinforces mediocre performance. he won’t know unless we tell him the truth. Too many men think their thrusting is enough and believe this despite many dissatisfied (silent) partners. Then when a longterm partner finally speaks the truth, he says, “it must be your problem. None of my former partners ever complained” argh. Women — speak up! Men — listen up! Frustrated man, congrats on valuing your marriage enough to resist your wife’s offer for an open marriage. Let her know you want HER and only her. You want her to experience pleasure, not just get pleasure from her. And tell her you want to help her figure out how you can both get there. I wonder if your “addictive” history has played any role? A mental health specialist (with expertise in both couples work and addiction) might be needed.
2 lilD // Jan 28, 2008 at 7:12 pm
in cases like this, i think the thing to do is praise what you like, ie give positive reinforcement and suggest what else you might like, again - positive reinforcement plus practical and proactive. sex is too important to lie about or brush under the rug plus by dealing constructively with something as potentially sensitive as this can lead to greater intimacy.
i imagine this is a pretty common issue among couples - real or perceived. i suspect a lot of people expect to ahve porn star sex given what the media presents to us.
3 alex // Jan 28, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Frustrated Man,
I’d suggest having an open dialogue with your wife on this front, as perhaps she can tell you what’s holding her back in the sexual arena.
Sounds like she might benefit from meeting with a professional, too, but I’d say only suggest this if you believe it won’t upset her. Presenting it in a “you seem to be battling something, how can I help?” manner is what I’ve found works best with women, especially those who are slightly down.
And, I’d suggest being persistent, so that it’s not something you both can ignore or brush under the rug to later come out as a deeper issue.
4 susieq // Jan 28, 2008 at 9:55 am
Isn’t some of this stuff obvious but difficult? It’s not easy to talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom but sex is an important part of any relationship.
5 Jonny Hairdont // Jan 28, 2008 at 9:49 am
I always assumed that any sex was good sex. Like pizza. But I have had learned differently about both since I’ve moved to New York. I guess beggars can’t be choosers.
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