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Is Having Sex With Your Ex OK?
Can being being physically intimate with an ex hold you back from moving on?
by Cathi Hanauer and Daniel Jones
Question: I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but he’s still hoping we’ll end up together. Neither of us is dating anyone new, so we still have “ex-sex” occasionally. He insists he can handle it emotionally, but is it wrong to continue when I have no intention of getting back together with him?
–SASHA, 29
Her Take: In general, I see nothing wrong with temporary ex-sex, as long as 1) it’s still fun and not too depressing; 2) you’re not doing it so often that it keeps either of you from meeting someone else; and 3) you’re absolutely honest and forthright about exactly what this is (which is, basically, using each other until someone better comes along). Personally, though, I’d do it only if I was the dumper, not the dumpee. First, I’m not a big fan of being used. And also, there’s no way I wouldn’t hold out hope every time we dimmed the lights that this would be the time I’d change his mind: he’d realize how amazing I am, confess that he can’t live without me, and come crawling back. Then, when this didn’t happen—when, in fact, he cut me off cold because someone more promising came along—I’d be doubly pissed at him for having used me (even if, yes, he told me he was doing it at the time).
Here’s the thing, though: I don’t think a break-up necessarily has to be done in one fell swoop. If it takes a few weeks or a month, and you feel that hooking up occasionally during that time wouldn’t be a terrible thing for either of you—then I promise to cover my eyes and not judge you. You wouldn’t be so much postponing the pain (or purely using him) as simply letting him down slowly.
His Take: It’s wrong. Please stop. Now.
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1 armondo petty // Sep 2, 2008 at 11:13 am
ex sex can be great. you both realized you can’t live together, but you know each other well and the sex is fantastic. so do it!
2 Dave // Jul 17, 2008 at 1:16 pm
What guy would want to date the chick that’s having sex with her ex?
Of course, women will just lie and never let the other guy know she’s sleeping around. What a great basis for a relationship.
This is why no guy should ever get married. It’s just a stupid one-sided deal.
3 Mercury Rx: Beware the Return of Your Ex // Jan 30, 2008 at 1:42 pm
[…] into your inbox. What you decide to do with him is up to you. For more advice on that, go here: http://www.tangomag.com/2006180/cease-resist.html Post Comment 1 2 Next >> Readers Who Like This Article Also Dig…. […]
4 Aaron // Jan 16, 2008 at 3:46 pm
johnnie: is the question you’re asking “am I an idiot for even thinking of being involved with this woman in any way?” Because the answer is yes.
5 Tango’s Top 10: Ways to Mend a Broken Heart // Jan 14, 2008 at 4:42 pm
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