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Is Having Sex With Your Ex OK?
Can being being physically intimate with an ex hold you back from moving on?
by Cathi Hanauer and Daniel Jones
Why? A little story: a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away), a woman I’d been dating for four glorious months broke up with me. I know—I couldn’t believe it either. But her old boyfriend was moving to town (she’d moved away from him for grad school but they’d never officially broken up), and now he and all their history had to be dealt with, which she suggested could take a very long time and meant, essentially, that I needed to pack my relationship bags and move on.
Or did it? After all, she and I still liked being together, and the sex was good, so why should we deny ourselves the pleasure of continued, if far less frequent, intimacy? This was my point anyway, and she, unfortunately, let me persuade her. I say “unfortunately” because the result of our dallying with ex-sex was that we saw each other just enough to keep me hooked but not enough to keep me from being miserable about being in a relationship that was out of my control. I needed her to cut me off, but she wouldn’t. She kept saying that I could just walk away, that everyone’s responsible for his own feelings and decisions, and blah, blah, blah.
But here’s the thing: I was the jiltee, not the jilter. And only the strongest of jiltees can just walk away. Needless to say, I was not a member of this elite group.
Which led me to the following relationship rule: in a breakup, it is purely the jilter’s responsibility to deny the jiltee of ex-sex. The one who was dumped is like an addict who must be made to go cold turkey; if there’s any hope of a score, he’ll rationalize and lie and beg to get what he thinks he needs, which in this case is sex (or anything) with you. And your solemn duty is to cut him off.
Continuing to serve as his dealer while merely lowering his dosage is not only dangerous, but possibly illegal. So take a page out of Nancy Reagan’s book and “Just say No.” He’ll be glad you did.
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1 armondo petty // Sep 2, 2008 at 11:13 am
ex sex can be great. you both realized you can’t live together, but you know each other well and the sex is fantastic. so do it!
2 Dave // Jul 17, 2008 at 1:16 pm
What guy would want to date the chick that’s having sex with her ex?
Of course, women will just lie and never let the other guy know she’s sleeping around. What a great basis for a relationship.
This is why no guy should ever get married. It’s just a stupid one-sided deal.
3 Mercury Rx: Beware the Return of Your Ex // Jan 30, 2008 at 1:42 pm
[…] into your inbox. What you decide to do with him is up to you. For more advice on that, go here: http://www.tangomag.com/2006180/cease-resist.html Post Comment 1 2 Next >> Readers Who Like This Article Also Dig…. […]
4 Aaron // Jan 16, 2008 at 3:46 pm
johnnie: is the question you’re asking “am I an idiot for even thinking of being involved with this woman in any way?” Because the answer is yes.
5 Tango’s Top 10: Ways to Mend a Broken Heart // Jan 14, 2008 at 4:42 pm
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