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Marrying Mr. Wrong
She thought he was "the one." Did relationship red flags indicate otherwise?
by Isabel Rose
JULY 4, 2002
I’m sitting on our deck in the Hamptons an hour after everyone has left, realizing that my marriage needs to end. There have been too many red flags and it’s been too hard for too long. I’m drained. I’m sad. I’m lonely. My husband is just on the other side of the screen door, sleeping on the sofa we bought together at Ikea right after we bought the house. On his chest, our eleven-month-old daughter drools in her half-sleep.
RED FLAG #1, APRIL 1995
One of my girlfriends leaves a message on my machine Saturday evening at six. “A bunch of us are meeting at that new bar around the corner at 9:30. It’s gonna be a great group. See you then.” I’ve already planned a night of order-in Chinese food and Middlemarch, but at 9:45 I overcome my innate inertia and force myself out.
My future ex-husband is sitting at a long, candlelit table, chatting with a few other guys. Over the din of the hip bar, I say, “You look familiar. Really.” Then I realize that actually, he just looks like someone who works in my sister’s office. I’m about to tell him this but he says, “You’re right. We have met.” We talk about everything that isn’t too personal: politics, sports, our favorite music from the ‘80s. He seems to be an expert on every topic, which I find sexy.
The next morning, I’m on the treadmill sweatily fantasizing about my future ex-husband, when the girl who introduced us the previous night gets on the treadmill next to mine.
“I really like your friend,” I gush.
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1 deborah // Nov 19, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Why do people evaluate their relationship constantly. Back in the day,parters did the dance of life together without doing each others personal inventory. Whats with all this checking it out. Are we really sure of anything? Let it be,relax and enjoy life.
2 Tony // Oct 7, 2008 at 2:16 am
I hate this drivel. Can’t understand why I have wasted my time with the neurotic ramblings and rantings of such shallow losers.
3 Tony // Oct 7, 2008 at 2:12 am
The blitherings of an overprivelidged spoilt person with too much empty time in which to create “dramas” where there need not be any. Grow the f*ck up!
4 Chris // Sep 22, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Not all women are worth marrying. Most I’ve meet should not ever get married. Can’t handle money, make meaningful sacrifice (having kids is a sacrifice, but if that’s what it took..wow, sad), can’t help in the kitchen, clean or figure out basics of life.
Honestly, I ended up marrying one of the sex in the city chick set. Your husband sounds very close to my behavior while I was married. So far from my divorce I’m glad in some ways I ended up getting raked in the coals for paying her debts over the years while married (72k) for the two awesome kids we had.
The kids now live with me because she understood that she barely took care of herself before kids and her molly home-maker skills were not there. She kept the house because it meant something to own a pile of bricks. I just wish sometimes that she would pay her child support, she makes as much as me (around 80k a year) and maybe take them to a park rather than the mall.
For those interested, child services ended up bring the kids to my place because her Mom wanted them to eat more than canned goods and take out. My 8 year old daughter and 7 year old son are now in the proper weight category for their ages, versus 120% over. Veggies, fruit, less meat, no salt, no pop, milk always and lots of visits to the park. Plus movie/pizza night on Fridays.
My ex is in her late thirties with a cabinet of pills ranging from the heart variety (bad eating), the happiness enhancers (lots of fun hanging around while someone switches from one SSRI to another) and the sleeping kind.
So far from the dates I’ve had over the past two years most women I have met really haven’t figured what they want out of life and I’m dating 35-45 year old women that continue with the nonsense that they are 20, savy and a character from a tv show. Men are a bit wary as well, and we put up those red flags as soon as we spot a phony. Easier to be called an ass than introduce our kids to someone that couldn’t find their ass with both hands.
5 Twinkle // Sep 19, 2008 at 4:48 pm
very angry with those guys like Benny ben & Russ.
Sometime we go through life looking and hoping for something special. good guy meets good girl and you think this equals perfect marriage. Both have been hurt, both have issues and because you both share pain and joy makes you think this is my perfect partner. We all meet for different reasons and connections but getting married isn’t necessarily the right answer, but because you have nothing good to compare it with or feel lonely it seems like the obvious answer. These decisions could be made with the best intentions but unfortunately we don’t learn this sort of decision making at school…we have to figure that out for ourselves which sometimes to late or wrong. And for the comment about him being a good guy, you never marry some because they are good but also you never stay with them just because they are a good guy, that is not the only critieria for marriage. Whoever wrote this message was inspired and found themselves..it is unfortunate that it happened in the aftermath of baby but we are all not perfect..plus we always want things work out..which really annoys me about negative posts because all you wanted to do is make yourself and your partner happy. The lesson to learn is to listen to your gut, those voices in your head ( even if you may doubt they are low self esteem) because deep down you want the best for yourself and if thats not what your getting then its time to move on!
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