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Chores for Two: Why Men Don’t Pitch In
A working mother explores the role men assume in housework and childrearing.
by Leslie Bennetts
Ask your typical American dad what size shoes his children wear, and you will likely draw a blank stare. He has no idea. Guess who makes sure the kids’ toes aren’t poking through their sneakers?
My own husband claims that any imbalance in our household contributions derives solely from the fact that he has to go to an office while I work at home, a luxury that permits me to take care of many domestic tasks during my workday. This disparity in our schedules may explain why I make dinner every night—because I’m home to stir the pot on the stove—but it does not explain why our weekends begin with him enjoying a third cup of coffee over the morning newspapers while I rush around making breakfast, cleaning up the house, and organizing the children’s day. I’m the one everyone asks when they want to know when the next orthodontist appointment is, what the cross-country meet schedule is, or where the birthday party is being held (yes, I remembered to buy a present; yes, it’s wrapped and ready to go).
And yet everyone acts as if Jeremy deserves some kind of medal just for making a run to the supermarket. No one has ever suggested that I’m a heroine for doing the things every mother is expected to do. I admit that my husband helps out more than many men, but here’s another news flash: It isn’t because he’s such a fabulously enlightened being. Left to his own devices, he would doubtless park himself in front of the TV like some sitcom male-chauvinist couch potato while I did all the work. The reason Jeremy “helps” as much as he does (an offensive terminology that itself suggests who’s really being held responsible) is simple: He doesn’t have a choice.
From the beginning of our relationship, I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to be any husband’s unpaid servant. If Jeremy wanted to be—and stay—married to me, let alone have kids, he couldn’t stick me with all the boring, mundane stuff nobody wants to do. We were going to share the work, or we were going to forget the whole deal. Unlike my first husband, who announced after our wedding that he didn’t like the way the French laundry did his shirts and he now expected me, the Wife, to wash and iron all of them, Jeremy recognized both the righteousness of the principle involved and the intransigence of the woman he’d married, and proceeded to pitch in.
That was 17 years ago, and while we haven’t exactly achieved equity, we’ve come a lot closer to it than most of our peers, judging by all the dreary surveys proving that men are slugs and their wives are superwomen. So how have I accomplished this? By holding my husband’s feet to the fire every single day of our lives, of course.
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1 Tom Leykis Disciple // Apr 21, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Men: Is this what you want?
The screaming, the complaining, the criticising, the cajoling, the b*tching. Ugh! This is what happens when the woman you were hot for turns into a combat boot wearing, ball-busting b*tch and people wonder why divorce rates are so high.
If marriage sucks so much, why do women still insist on it? If Jeremy is so terrible, who’s fault is it for marrying him? There’s no fairer split of household chores than living on your own.
Marriage is an outdated institution and going away quickly. Marriage is for the dumb and the poor.
Men: Continue to focus on your health, focus on your wealth, and bang hot young chicks. Be a real man by handling your own business and stop submitting to these demands!
2 Tammy // Apr 21, 2008 at 3:48 pm
…and Sandra, it looks to me by your poor judgment in men, that you married the wrong type. Stop painting such a broad brush. There are plenty of good ones out there. I should know, ’cause I married one.
3 Tammy // Apr 21, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Just. Wow.
She sounds like the wife from hell.
Face it, feminism has basically killed the gentlemen out of the men.
You can thank NOW for that.
4 Sandra // Jan 19, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Well I must say she is completely right. Not just in my life but in MOST of the women I know. The hundreds of women on sites such as pregnancyweekly and cafemom. I have seen mom after mom say the same thing. Their husbands are lazy. And the only way to get them to do their fair share is to force them to. Sad that so many men are like that. And as to those that have posted about how much the article sucks, well I see many of you are not even married to your significant others. Let me tell you when the honey moon is over they slowly start refusing to help. And those whose men do help then I congradulate their mothers on a job well done.
I have been both a stay at home mom and a full time working mom. My husband has always claimed that since I was a SAHM that it was my duty to do EVERYTHING, which I willingly did. But as I went from a SAHM to a working mom I STILL do EVERYTHING. If any one doubts that the majority of men do not help out as much as they should just google it…you’d be suprised!
5 Joshua McDonald // Jan 7, 2008 at 9:09 am
The author needs some kind of help in the area of marriage. Men aren’t dog’s to be trained. Marriage is a relationship that goes both ways, and you should know if you look at your husband as someone to train and deceive and trick to get your way, your are killing him…
When you learn that marriage is not about The other person fulfilling your needs but you both sacrificially fulfilling each others needs it will work. Both parties bring a selfish attitude into marriages expecting to have their needs met by the other, when you feed these attitudes you are killing each other emotionally.
I’m a christian and from a christian perspective Ephesians 5 is the ultimate outline of the marriage relationship. Feminists hate this because they don’t take the time to understand the outline for the marital roles. As soon as they hear wives submit to your husbands they get up in arms. Take the time to understand the roles and you will understand that they work and their true meanings.
Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. How did Christ love the church? Christ loved the church so much that he sacrifised himself so that the church could be saved. A husband’s love for his wife should be a self sacrifising love, meaning the husband if fulfilling his role will be trying on his own to meet his wife’s needs day by day. Not ordering her around not telling her to do everything on her own. Now that you understand the husbands role, the wife’s role of submitting should not be so scary.
Wives are to submit to their husbands in all things. Not to say that they should be in a submissive quiet state or 2nd class citizen. Be a strong woman, lead in your houshold, make decisions together, as you should. It simply means to submit to your husband as the church submits to Christ, include him in all decisions, respect him, honor him. It’s a willful submission in love and understanding and trying to meet your husbands needs in the same way he is trying to meet yours. When both parties are trying to meet each others needs and the selfish attitude goes away we will begin to take joy in each other and love each other as we should.
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