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Chores for Two: Why Men Don’t Pitch In
A working mother explores the role men assume in housework and childrearing.
by Leslie Bennetts
Yes, dear readers, it’s true: Maintaining some semblance of parity in your marriage requires you to deploy the same kinds of nasty tactics you swore you would never stoop to as a parent but nonetheless found yourself using the minute you actually had a kid. Bribery and punishment work; so do yelling and complaining. Threats are also effective, as long as everyone knows you mean business. With husbands, tender blandishments and nooky are particularly useful, as is the withholding of the aforementioned.
These strategies admittedly take a lot of energy, but not as much as performing all the functions necessary to maintain home and family by yourself. When my husband has lingered too long over the sports section and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the number of errands that must be run, I hand him a list.
“This is what I need you to do today,” I say in a tone of voice that brooks no equivocation. He may moan and groan, but the jobs get done. And while I still have to mastermind the operation—somehow he is never the one who remembers that our son needs new mosquito netting, baseball cleats, and basketball shoes for sleepaway camp—I’m not the only one schlepping around town checking items off the To Do list.
What I don’t understand is why my insistence on some approximation of equality is unusual. I live in Manhattan, which is full of smart, educated, successful women who are juggling the responsibilities of family and career with extraordinary competence. And yet most of them will readily admit that their husbands don’t do half of anything remotely domestic.
Go to any school event for parents and you will find it crowded with working women who have taken time out of their busy professional schedules to meet with teachers or sit in on classes or attend the fourth-grade play. My children’s school sponsors a regular forum where parents gather to discuss such pressing issues as curfews, homework, and the social mores of hormone-addled teen-agers. At every single one, the room is full of women—doctors, lawyers, and CEOs, as well as stay-at-home moms. The only man who ever attends is a widower who admits his son never tells him anything, so he comes to the discussion groups in hopes of learning what his kid is up to from his classmates’ moms.
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1 Tom Leykis Disciple // Apr 21, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Men: Is this what you want?
The screaming, the complaining, the criticising, the cajoling, the b*tching. Ugh! This is what happens when the woman you were hot for turns into a combat boot wearing, ball-busting b*tch and people wonder why divorce rates are so high.
If marriage sucks so much, why do women still insist on it? If Jeremy is so terrible, who’s fault is it for marrying him? There’s no fairer split of household chores than living on your own.
Marriage is an outdated institution and going away quickly. Marriage is for the dumb and the poor.
Men: Continue to focus on your health, focus on your wealth, and bang hot young chicks. Be a real man by handling your own business and stop submitting to these demands!
2 Tammy // Apr 21, 2008 at 3:48 pm
…and Sandra, it looks to me by your poor judgment in men, that you married the wrong type. Stop painting such a broad brush. There are plenty of good ones out there. I should know, ’cause I married one.
3 Tammy // Apr 21, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Just. Wow.
She sounds like the wife from hell.
Face it, feminism has basically killed the gentlemen out of the men.
You can thank NOW for that.
4 Sandra // Jan 19, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Well I must say she is completely right. Not just in my life but in MOST of the women I know. The hundreds of women on sites such as pregnancyweekly and cafemom. I have seen mom after mom say the same thing. Their husbands are lazy. And the only way to get them to do their fair share is to force them to. Sad that so many men are like that. And as to those that have posted about how much the article sucks, well I see many of you are not even married to your significant others. Let me tell you when the honey moon is over they slowly start refusing to help. And those whose men do help then I congradulate their mothers on a job well done.
I have been both a stay at home mom and a full time working mom. My husband has always claimed that since I was a SAHM that it was my duty to do EVERYTHING, which I willingly did. But as I went from a SAHM to a working mom I STILL do EVERYTHING. If any one doubts that the majority of men do not help out as much as they should just google it…you’d be suprised!
5 Joshua McDonald // Jan 7, 2008 at 9:09 am
The author needs some kind of help in the area of marriage. Men aren’t dog’s to be trained. Marriage is a relationship that goes both ways, and you should know if you look at your husband as someone to train and deceive and trick to get your way, your are killing him…
When you learn that marriage is not about The other person fulfilling your needs but you both sacrificially fulfilling each others needs it will work. Both parties bring a selfish attitude into marriages expecting to have their needs met by the other, when you feed these attitudes you are killing each other emotionally.
I’m a christian and from a christian perspective Ephesians 5 is the ultimate outline of the marriage relationship. Feminists hate this because they don’t take the time to understand the outline for the marital roles. As soon as they hear wives submit to your husbands they get up in arms. Take the time to understand the roles and you will understand that they work and their true meanings.
Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. How did Christ love the church? Christ loved the church so much that he sacrifised himself so that the church could be saved. A husband’s love for his wife should be a self sacrifising love, meaning the husband if fulfilling his role will be trying on his own to meet his wife’s needs day by day. Not ordering her around not telling her to do everything on her own. Now that you understand the husbands role, the wife’s role of submitting should not be so scary.
Wives are to submit to their husbands in all things. Not to say that they should be in a submissive quiet state or 2nd class citizen. Be a strong woman, lead in your houshold, make decisions together, as you should. It simply means to submit to your husband as the church submits to Christ, include him in all decisions, respect him, honor him. It’s a willful submission in love and understanding and trying to meet your husbands needs in the same way he is trying to meet yours. When both parties are trying to meet each others needs and the selfish attitude goes away we will begin to take joy in each other and love each other as we should.
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