Charitable Giving: A New Way To Bond

by Martha Baer

Consider the parade of couples whose names show up on any list of today’s great philanthropists. Besides Bill and Melinda, there’s William and Flora (the Hewletts of the Hewlett Foundation), John D. and Catherine T. (the MacArthurs), Michael and Susan (of Dell computer fame), Sandy and Joan (that’s Weill of Citicorp), and more recently, Pierre and Pam Omidyar (whose big bucks came from his helping build eBay).

There’s a saccharine note to the claim that love makes people better—more generous, more open-minded—but there’s truth to it, too. And couples will tell you that contributing to charity is a way of communicating to each other and to the world that they share values.

Leesy T., who in her late 40s has well-worn giving habits, would be shocked if the causes she cared about didn’t match up with her husband’s. “I can’t think of an example when John and I disagreed on a charity,” she says, “because our basic values are so similar.” But if they did, she would probably respect his thinking.

“My parents were both rabidly against abortion,” Leesy recalls, “but when my mother died, I found out that she had been a supporter of Planned Parenthood.” When her father took over the task of handling the family donations, a task long assigned to her mom, “he continued to support Planned Parenthood with a modest amount for about five years, just because it was something my mother had cared about.”

The act of giving offers all sorts of nuanced possibilities for expressing, squaring, and acknowledging our values, and for generally defining our relationships. Elizabeth G., who recently bought a first home with Sergio G. after being with him for five years, tells the story of seeing her name without his on a list of contributors.