New Relationship Rules: Texting & IMing

A guide to good communication etiquette. How often to text, call and IM.

by Dean Chandler

Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. At least that’s what’s been shoved down the throats of the love-hungry for decades. And perhaps it was true 150 years ago, when the best way to communicate over any real distance was to write down your thoughts, hand them to a dirty guy on a horse, and have him take off into the remains of the day.

Now, in a warm and fluid world of cell phones, text messages, and IMs, anyone can reach out and touch you, anytime, anyplace. Significant others, naturally, are hands-on. They “just want to hear your voice”—so it’s a quick call during the day. Or a text message between office and gym.

In the beginning, you reply with the vigor of a porn star on Viagra: “I miss you, too.” But soon the “I miss you” turns to “where are you?”—a bill among the love notes. For men, the cell phone becomes a homing beacon. Like Martha Stewart with that pesky ankle bracelet, we can’t stretch our legs without getting zapped.
Women find comfort in words, a comfort they deserve. But men are more “reactive” communicators, and thus we use cell phone and “Crack-Berry” to pacify: “Hey, honey, just wanted to let you know I’m going to go get a bikini wax and a new banana hammock.”

Or in emergencies, like when you need her to pick up another bottle of Haitian rum, or you just ran over her mom with your car and you need to beg forgiveness while driving to pick up another bottle of Haitian rum. Or to lay down a booty call. In that spirit …

PHONE CALLS
MEN Answer at least half the calls she makes to you every day. A good rule of thumb is: answer the first one, ignore 2, 3, and 5, and answer 4 and 6. Lob a call of your own over during the day. If you time it right, it will be like sending flowers.
WOMEN It’s hard enough for guys to feign interest about “what Linda said to Jill” when we’re in your sightline. Stick to the basics. Make half the calls you feel compelled to make; talk for half the time. However, if we’re already at a high call volume, don’t cut down too much if not hearing from us will make you panicky. If you slow down, we’ll slow down. If you stop, we’ll stop.
TEXT MESSAGING
MEN If you are setting up a new girl and you want to get her all tingly before dropping in, go for it. If you’ve been out with her a few times, DON’T text! Dicking around with a lot of “Where are you going next?” messages, rather than calling and making a concrete plan, proves you’re a lazy S.O.B. who’s not interested in commitment. (Calling continues the charade much longer.) If it’s later in the relationship, unless you are too drunk to speak, DON’T text! If you take the time to text, she’ll think you’ve got time for other things—like driving her injured mother to the mall. If you DO text: Never use punctuation faces. If you have ever used a punctuation face, put this magazine down immediately and go buy a breast pump.
WOMEN Text all you want. Just don’t expect more than one-word answers. Unless you’re propositioning us—then expect a call immediately.

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8 responses so far

1 David // Mar 21, 2007 at 3:09 am

This guy has it nailed as we who are now referred to as Baby Boomer Men are not all interested in the high school level chatty cathy women at all and we are most certainly not interested in “Enlighted”, the “Progressive” or forever “Artcy-Fartcy” ones either. Whatever happened to the women that are Touchable in Heart, Body and Soul… instead of todays, Hey… buddy, want to arm wrassSSsle to see who is more PC? Now before the forever~more PC women’s army launch their fast-attacks, not everyone is perfectly matched for another and it is Ok to be different too, so is there any room for a extremely intelligent, active and ex-CEO that is best referred to as good old country boy that speaks more than just English, has traveled the world and yet, will never be too old to want to hold his sweethearts hand in public? FYI: To stay on subject, I never-ever turn off my cell, am seldom more than 20′ from my wireless laptop and yet, I always have time to buy flowers for my sweetheart just to see smile a little brighter… That’s how we do things in the Pacific NW and being electronically joined at the hip is NOT the way to keep a relationship alive either… Best of Luck to all… smile

2 tango // Nov 27, 2006 at 3:58 pm

5+Stars on Dean’s Dating Meets Tech Article!!!!!! LOL!! As a 50ish single divorced woman it is quite apparent that today is really different on the single scene….and I thought I all had to be concerned with was eye concealer for my wrinkles and the ability to suck my stomach in with my best pair of jeans on!!!! Super TIPS Dean-LOVED IT!!!!!

3 tango // Nov 27, 2006 at 3:58 pm