Should I Tell My Date I Want A Baby?

by Cathi Hanauer and Daniel Jones

Entering my forties as an unattached woman, I decided to try to have a baby on my own. Weeks after starting an artificial insemination program, I’ve met a really great guy. When do I tell him about the A.I.? Odds aren’t great that I’ll actually get pregnant, and it could end up freaking him out for no reason.

—O.S., San Francisco, Calif.

Cathi: The easy answer is “right away.” Who wants a relationship founded on dishonesty? And if he really loves you—or could in the end—it won’t damage what you have. (I could fill a book with the clichés.) But really, who am I—with a husband I met in my twenties and two kids who followed in an almost scarily timely fashion—to preach an ideal of blunt revelation to someone in a very different position? Thus, my more realistic answer is that you should think twice before saying something that might freak him out too soon. No doubt you both have a lot of history to cover, and who’s to say it shouldn’t unfold gradually?

That said, I now go partway back to my first instinct: Witholding major information and having to be constantly on guard is not healthy. Plus, you’ll miss out on the comfort you get when you reveal yourself to a guy and he sticks around anyway.

If things continue to progress between you, your desire to have children—and his similar wish, or lack thereof—will be a topic that can’t be avoided and shouldn’t be lied about. If he won’t date someone who’s considering having a child, better to know that sooner rather than later, since you’ll then be faced with deciding which is more important to you: having children or having this guy in your life. So don’t wait too long.