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S&M For Beginners
S&M pracitioners tend to be highly educated and other facts you may not know.
by Ky Henderson
The trick part is figuring out how—and if—you want to take it to the next level. After Steven Lilla* and his girlfriend, Rebecca Simon, had been dating for a few months, she told him that S&M play typically had been an important part of her sex life. He was surprised, but not uncomfortable; she brought it up outside the bedroom, and she didn’t put pressure on Steven to indulge her.
Still, he had to confront a belief drilled into his head since he was old enough to smack toy-hugging playmates. “Most American males are raised to think it’s never OK to be rough with a woman,” says Steven, a 32-year-old martial arts instructor from Los Angeles. “That was something I had to overcome. But after learning more about S&M and taking some baby steps, I ended up really liking it.”
They went slowly, sitting together—fully clothed, without sex playing any part—and practiced using ropes and chains so that neither of them experienced unwanted discomfort. Their toys, kept in a locked chest, only emerged when Rebecca’s daughter wasn’t home.
Nine years later, Steven and Rebecca are still together, and S&M—role-playing, bondage, “forced” sex—is still a major part of their sex lives. But it’s hardly the only part. “A big fallacy is that if you’re into it, it’s all you’re into,” says Rebecca, a 34-year-old who works at a museum. “But we very much enjoy regular vanilla sex.”
They belong to a local club—there are dozens nationwide, easily found by an Internet search—with classes on safe ways to explore kinks, and parties where couples can play in front of other members. (”There’s music and food like any other party,” Steven says. “Except there are spanking noises in the background.”)
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1 PsychoLogic // Aug 19, 2008 at 7:01 pm
For those curious about power exchange I interviewed a number of people at Shibaricon this spring in Chicago. Some interesting distinctions:
* Top/bottom: Gives/receives restraint, directions, usually physically.
* Dom/Domme(dominant)/sub(submissive): Gives/receives directions, takes/yields control, usually emotionally.
* Sadist/masochist: Gives/receives pain and punishment.
I was surprised to learn that power and pain and compliance were all on different scales, so you could have a non-submissive bottom (feisty) who enjoys being restrained but resists and fights back.
For a lot of people the scene is sexually arousing but not strictly gratifying, i.e. there is no orgasm at the end. It’s like a playground for grown-ups.
2 S&M Dude Claims Religious Freedom // Apr 11, 2008 at 10:05 am
[…] freedom. A previous court rejected his petition to get the license on account of his practice of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism which should probably be […]
3 Mark Snow // Mar 6, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Love bondage! Get at me!
4 Thomas // Mar 4, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I’m new to Perfectmatch.com. I was surprised and delighted to see this topic come up under the Tangomag.com link. However, using the generic “S&M” is kind of misleading in that its use tends to lump hardcore S&M with B&D/D&S. My take on all this is what I call “love bondage and discipline” which involves lots of imaginative and creative sophisticated bondage (ala the style of bondagecafe.com), and “pleasure spankings” (or whippings and floggings) — where the emphasis is on sensual pleasure, intimacy, fun, playful erotic humiliation, affection, and extended foreplay — but NEVER bruising, drawing blood from, demeaning, or degrading my partner, which is characteristic of true S&M by definition. Is anyone else on the same page? Just curious.
5 Study: Link Between Spanking & Risky Sex // Mar 3, 2008 at 9:39 am
[…] So, Straus is pretty much against corporal punishment, it appears. This is a pretty good way to go about convincing people to stop with the spanking. No one wants a kid that’s into weird sex stuff. Straus clearly has an agenda and that agenda is to use psychological punishment more frequently in the child-rearing process. Spare the rod and fool the child. And if you’re looking to get into S&M (irrespective of your spanking background), check out our Beginner’s Guide. […]
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