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Handling a Partner’s Unhealthy Habit
Nagging can only go so far. Ending bad habits takes compassion.
Bottom line? While it’s OK to worry about a partner when they’re doing unhealthy things, detaching from their habits—while keeping the lines of communication open—is key. Of course, there are some non-negotiables. Illegal drug use, heavy drinking, addictive gambling, and anything severely self-destructive may warrant a “quit or else” attitude. But for those not dealing with extreme cases, ultimatums aren’t the answer, and neither is an expectation that your partner will comply with your wishes. Instead, use your mutual respect to reach a compromise. For instance, when Sandra Hume complained that the smell of the tobacco drove her crazy while she was pregnant, her husband agreeably kept his chewing at a distance. “He avoids it around me in general,” she says.
Truth be told, I’ve been lucky in that regard as well. Jon smokes only outside, away from me and the kids, and does his best to keep his habit from affecting us. Sure, once in a while he’s got smelly nicotine breath, but when I ask him to wash up or brush, he amiably complies. And when I think of the major character flaws that I don’t have to worry about, getting angry over his bad habit seems unforgivably petty. Too often, says Amatenstein, we think we can change our partners, “but you’re supposed to be in love with the essence of who that person is.”
She’s right. The fact is that Jon’s smoking is part of a combo package that includes both the good and the bad. So I’m going to try to take the experts’ advice and detach myself from that which I can’t control. I won’t promise that I’ll never again wrinkle my nose when I catch a whiff of smoke, and there’s no guarantee that I’ll stop worrying. But I’m going to work hard on expressing my concerns respectfully and directly—no passive-aggressive jabs.
After all, black lungs deserve love, too.
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1 Nancy // May 11, 2008 at 8:50 am
It’s all well and good to advise non-smoking spouses to back off. But what if your husband or wife stinks so bad that you can’t stand to be near them? What to do? Never kiss or hug? Separate bedrooms? I’m at the end of my tether.
2 How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:17 am
[…] adjustment and acceptance attached to the process of divorce; in her case, after discovering her husband’s gambling habit had returned and devoured the family’s finances. Before the evening meal — the […]
3 Mrs // Aug 22, 2006 at 10:39 am
I can understand both sides, as a habitual quitter myself. It is an addiction - Statistics prove that nicotine and heroin are the 2 most addicting habits ever. It can be hard to understand for someone who doesn’t smoke, or who, like my husband used to and for the last 8 years hasn’t. I have quit 3 times for a year or more and yet I always end up with a cigarette in my hand eventually again. All I can say is that I do know that it is one of the most damaging things that you can do to your body and it stinks (I don’t smoke in the house). Nagging and complaining only makes it worse. Positive reinforcement and tons of support encourages us. Reward and compliment us when we are doing good, it helps us want to continue being that way. Be understanding - if it were that easy, we would have done it already.
4 Anonymous // Jun 25, 2006 at 11:06 am
Maybe black lungs need love also BUT when your spouse develops cancer and it causes every aspect of your life to be compromised; are you supposed to care for him while he is dying, while having a “que sera sera” attitude? I am not trying to be flip. I genuinely want an answer. If begging your husband to stop smoking does not work when he becomes ill, do you have to further ruin your life while watching him die?