20 Questions Once the Honeymoon is Over

by Susan Piver

I didn’t know enough about the life Duncan (now my husband) and I would be sharing. Initially, we asked things like “Will we keep our money together, or separate?” or “Do we have a religion?” or “How comfortable are we with each other’s level of ambition?” When we began to answer, something wonderful happened. We started to get to know each other beyond love and sex.

Now, after six years of marriage, our questions are different, but it’s part of the same process: Figuring out how to translate our love for each other into a life we both love.

You don’t like the concept of relationships as “work,” so why “hard” questions?
Whenever I read “Relationships take work,” I always thought, “Uh, no thanks.” To me, that meant things like scheduling time for sex, “date nights,” and pretending to be nice even when I wanted to shriek. Things that felt really fake.

With the questions, the “work” of being truthful with each other was hard, but it certainly wasn’t phony. It has given our relationship a very healthy edginess– not the kind that comes from jealousy and fights, but the kind that comes from trying to meet every circumstance with awareness and skillful honesty.

Every circumstance?
Well, except when we’re just tired of trying, and ignore each other. Sometimes we retreat to our corners. But the questions help us to reconnect, when we’re ready.