The Lure of the Engagement Ring

by Kelly Bare

Vicki Howard doesn’t wear an engagement ring, but she does wear a wedding band, and so does her husband.

“When two people wear rings, it’s more about the companionate ideal,” she explains. “Husband and wife are equally committed to their marriage and their future. Whereas an engagement ring worn solely by the woman is this prize, something that she’s won.”

Purchasing data supports the idea of the engagement ring having a different emotional significance from the wedding band. A Professional Jeweler study found that fewer than a third of engagement rings were purchased as a set with a wedding band. Herman Rotenberg knows that all too well. “By the time they come to me, they’ve spent all their money,” he laments. “I try to convince them that the wedding ring is the least expensive item, relatively.”

Not to mention that couples get free therapy when they go to see him. “People have the need to talk,” he says. “They talk about themselves, how they met. I know their whole history. Buying a wedding ring, whether they spend $5,000 or $100, it’s a very emotional purchase, a subject that brings out a lot. Some people are very nervous. You can see the anxiety. Some people have arguments in front of my counter.” (Perhaps the engagement ring says, “Let’s take the plunge!” while the wedding ring says, “Wait a minute, what exactly are we doing?”)

Rotenberg recalls couples who made him think, “This is not the right match. But who am I to say? I saw one young gentleman trying on a ring. He’s standing in front of the counter, taking it on and off. He’s saying, ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this’ to himself. I felt like saying to him, ‘Maybe you shouldn’t.’”

This solitary shopper is an exception, though. Nine times out of ten, Rotenberg estimates, both members of the couple present themselves at his counter. In contrast, only 60 percent of women accompany their fiancé to shop for the engagement ring, as Bride’s editor in chief Millie Martini Bratten noted last November in New York Metro. A 2004 Fairchild Bridal Group Study found that 47 percent of brides don’t even know how much their engagement ring cost.

Is one a gift, and the other a joint purchasing decision? Does one symbolize a man’s love for a woman, and the other, their love for each other? Where do money and meaning part ways?