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Birth Control: Should He Pay for Half?
Hanauer and Jones: Should he pay for half of my birth control?
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a while now. We’re committed, but since we’re not ready to say “I do” or start a family, birth control (me taking the pill) is essential. I want him to share the not-insignificant cost of my prescription. He says none of the guys he knows split the contraception tab with their girlfriends, so why should he?
—B.K., New York, N.Y.
CATHI
My first thought here was, Of course he should pay half the birth-control cost! In fact, I was preparing to rant about his even questioning your very reasonable request—especially in such a seventh-grade way. “None of the other guys do it”? Please. And in five years, will he tell you none of the other daddies change their kids’ diapers, either? My twenty-something sources tell me lots of guys split the cost of the pill. So what does this say about your boyfriend’s friends?
But then I started to think twice. (Hey, they don’t pay me for nothing.) Yes, if you’re one of those couples who co-pay for everything from gas to toilet paper, why not add birth control to the tab (and in that case, should you switch to condoms, you’ll of course cough up your half). If anything, he should be grateful you deal with the gyno visits, pharmacy lines, daily pill-popping, and potential hormonal side effects, while he shows up for the party scot-free. But if your dynamic as a couple is more along the lines of “He’s the guy, so he pays for the dinners out, movie tickets, and good scotch, while I cover the bathtub votives, chardonnay, and Cosabella,” maybe you’ve established a precedent where paying for the pill does fall under your jurisdiction. This answer depends on what sort of financial—and political/feminist—arrangement you have. (If you’re one of those retro-’50s “traditional” types … you reap what you sow, Dollface.)
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1 StefanMuc // Sep 24, 2008 at 3:40 am
“You want to have sex with me, now pay” - makes it sound like prostitution, even though it isn’t meant like that. Lots of guys will have problems with paying for birth control for that reason - it’s not about the money, but about the feeling that sort of transaction evokes.
It’s one of these things which seem equivalent, but feel very different. It’s a bit like driving a long time to see each other. It principle it would be fair that the person visited would take over half the fuel costs. Yet if you were to ask for that, you would also convey the message “I’m spending this money for your benefit” while really it should be that you spend the money because that’s what you want to do.
Most guys will probably feel: if you don’t like to spend that money so that we can have sex, then you probably don’t really like having sex with me - it’s a kind of emotional rejection.
If you feel your costs in the relationship are unbalanced, why not let the guy put in money in ways which he’ll like to do - like picking up the tab, buying you dinner etc?
2 aquaseJek // Feb 17, 2008 at 5:14 pm
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3 kjk // Feb 24, 2007 at 2:58 am
I definitely think it is okay for her boyfriend to say no about paying for birth control pills. Unless she cannot afford them herself, it is reasonable as to why he declined. I am willing to pay for my own pills because there is no point in telling my boyfriend “Oh hey, you have to pay for these too, you know!” And for those that say it is just like a man buying condoms- even women should have them. Expecting your partner to buy the condoms all the time is lame. Show some responsibility, suck it up, and pay for your own shit.
4 Irene // Aug 30, 2006 at 9:02 am
I think that both should be responsible for their own contraception.
I also believe that an intelligent and responsible man should take care of his own contraception (e.g. with condoms whether his girlfriend is or is not on the pill).
Unwanted pregnancies concern BOTH the man and woman. It is not the woman’s problem alone.
If more men behaved like that and ensured their own contraception there would be fewer of them whining that they were “trapped” or “tricked” whenever an unplanned pregnancy happens…
It takes two to make a baby and if you are not ready for one, do what you need to and do not depend solely on your partner to ensure there is no pregnancy!
5 Anonymous // Aug 10, 2006 at 11:41 pm
Amanda–it’s not just the woman’s “reproduction,” it’s the man’s, too. And half the cost of the Pill is a lot less than a monthly child-support payment.
I think the wife’s analysis of the situation is entirely appropriate. I pay for my own birth control pills, but my boyfriend pays for dinner more often than I do, so I think it balances out in the end. Generally, we don’t have the type of relationship that counts where every penny goes, and I don’t remember us ever having a discussion of “I pay for more than you do, this relationship is costing me too much,” or anything. Besides, with my insurance birth control only costs $10 a month, so I’m not exactly going to complain about it.
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