Couples Living On A Single Income

by Martha Baer

It’s a difficult proposition these days. But couples who plan for time-outs and life-changes find ways to beat the need for double paychecks. “When we bought a house in 1993,” says Cris G., “we went against the prevailing advice, which was to buy as much house as you could afford. Even though we were both working, we bought a house we could afford on one income.”

Steve H. and Clancy D. landed subsidized housing provided by the seminary, and Debbie E. and her husband had spent so many exhausting years climbing their professional ladders, they’d accumulated enough savings to accommodate a change.There’s a third great obstacle, however, to the taking-turns lifestyle: Evidently, many modern couples are still years away from transcending old-fashioned gender roles. Even when women work, both men and women tend to see the woman’s income as discretionary—as, in Hayden’s words, “volunteer work with a bonus.” To achieve the flexibility Hayden espouses, women may face new pressures to earn more. Desperate Housewives fans will remember the look of shock on Lynette Scavo’s face when her husband, Tom, announced he’d start doing the rough work of taking care of the home while she went back to her high-powered career. But for guys, the take-turns approach can be impossible to imagine. “A lot of times they react with disbelief,” says Hayden. “They just don’t believe taking time off is possible. Sometimes they laugh and get nervous, but after we talk about it, they experience relief.”

Luckily, we’re not all still oppressed by ’50s stereotyping. When Debbie E., whose tech startup was wooing her to increase her commitment and become president, and her husband, a reluctant attorney, decided that one of them needed to slow down and take care of the rest of their lives, they deliberated for months over who it would be.
“There had never been a question of whether or not I worked,” says Debbie about their conundrum. “That’s who I was. That’s who he fell in love with.” So when Pat agonized over whether he should leave a job he didn’t love or hang on to his hard-won law practice, Debbie finally said, “Honey, you’ve got to pick one!”

In the end, they decided Debbie would take a break—and she’s loving it. But she’s spending a good deal of time fantasizing about how, in the future, they’ll flip-flop. Whether it’s a sabbatical in a low-cost country or starting a business of his own, Pat will get his chance at freedom.

That back-and-forth might be one of the healthiest things he and Debbie ever do for their marriage. As Ruth Hayden puts it, “Something else happens when couples take turns: They can really see themselves in the long term.”