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The Key To A Sexy Marriage
The secret to a happy marriage, as described by a wise sex therapist.
by Jesse Kornbluth
Esther Perel looks like the New York couples therapist from Central Casting. Married for a zillion years, mother of two, trim as an arrow—if you have to talk to a stranger about your sex life, she’ll do just fine.
And she’s got pop credentials: Her recent book, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & The Domestic, got warm reviews. But woe be to couples who bring her their problems without reading her first. They ask: If novelty is the key to hot sex, doesn’t monogamy kill it? Can a Mom who starts her day packing Cheerios in a lunchbox become a vixen at night? Why doesn’t intimacy guarantee good sex? Then come the surprises, for Perel’s approach to couples therapy is light years from Dr. Phil’s. Jesse Kornbluth asked her the questions that a new client might.
JK: Bill Maher says that when you’re married, you need a cue to have sex.
EP: There is no sex without a cue. People who date have their cues at home, before they meet. You think about where to go, what to eat, what to do and say. Sometimes the cue is short—just before we reach the bar—but sex is never just spontaneous. Spontaneity is a myth.
JK: The Daters may not know that. The Marrieds do. And I’m sure a great many of them believe that marital sex is a loop, a movie they’ve lived before—and they get nostalgic for the yes, yes, yes of dating.
EP: In dating, if you say no, your lover goes on to the next person. In marriage, if you say no, the person stays. The attraction of dating is that you don’t take yes for granted—you’re fully engaged, there’s seductiveness, tension. In committed sex, in marriage, people don’t feel the need to seduce or to build anticipation—that’s an effort they think they no longer need to do now that they have conquered their partner. If they’re in the mood, their partner should be too.
JK: Let’s get practical. What’s the way to exciting sex in marriage?
EP: You must elicit the other person’s desire. And not just five minutes before. You know what happens to sex in marriage? Instead of inviting desire, you monitor it. Especially men: You let her sleep late, you take the kids to the park, and all that time you’re thinking, “Tonight I’ll get some.” That doesn’t work.
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1 jacki // Apr 22, 2008 at 1:34 pm
The article was informative. I am the one giving the cues or flat out asking to get lucky. I hope to spark more intimacy in our home. His job is 24 hours and I think I should be first once I have put the kids to bed.
2 pp // Apr 21, 2008 at 6:19 am
The key to a sexy marriage: Before a woman gets married, make sure your man is a giver as well as a receiver. Have sex whenever he wants and if he is a giver, you will want it too.
3 With This Ring, I Thee Dread // Mar 4, 2008 at 10:33 am
[…] talking face to face isn’t getting the job done, renowned couples therapist Esther Perel suggests opening an e-mail account solely for communication with your mate. Or, you could even […]
4 Spiritual Sex: 10 Erotic Commandments // Feb 26, 2008 at 2:06 pm
[…] made up of body, soul, and spirit,when you make love with only your body, you’re getting only one third of the sex. Spirit and soul like sex, too, and they add immensely to the […]
5 coffee yogurt // Feb 18, 2008 at 9:15 pm
There are a few good pointers here, too few. Too many answers telling us what not to do, instead of what TO do. Too many effervescent, abstract replies that are of no pragmatic value. The last line “it isn’t about where his hand is, its about where he can take you” or something equally unhelpful. Sometimes the difference between lukewarm and hot sex is exactly where his hand is (or isn’t).
Read All 12 Comments on The Key To A Sexy Marriage