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The Key To A Sexy Marriage
The secret to a happy marriage, as described by a wise sex therapist.
by Jesse Kornbluth
JK: Okay, then, what are the elements of good sex?
EP: First, interest in the person—she can’t feel like an old sofa. And then it has to be sex worth wanting. That’s sex when you don’t know from the beginning how it’s going to end, sex that’s fun, playful, naughty, rebellious, complicitous—and accepted. That is, sex not focused on results. There’s something very full in knowing that your partner accepts you as is. That’s what’s different from dating.
JK: But here’s an irony. In your book, you say that intimacy can be the enemy of lust.
EP: Acceptance doesn’t mean predictability. Sex isn’t always for 11 at night—it’s also ‘meet at a hotel room at noon’. What you feel during dating can exist at home, if you don’t suffocate it.
JK: What do you tell patients who ask if monogamy is the only way?
EP: That’s for them to decide. It may not be for everyone. And maybe not all the time.
JK: I’m baffled. Unfaithful but committed—can that happen?
EP: Are we talking about sexual exclusivity—or emotional loyalty? People cheat on each other in a hundred different ways: indifference, emotional neglect, contempt, lack of respect, years of refusal of intimacy. Cheating doesn’t begin to describe the ways that people let each other down.
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1 Barry // Jul 29, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Interesting article. But I think most of what she said has already been said before. Kind of a shame the way male and female sex drives differ so much, still baffles us men.
2 jacki // Apr 22, 2008 at 1:34 pm
The article was informative. I am the one giving the cues or flat out asking to get lucky. I hope to spark more intimacy in our home. His job is 24 hours and I think I should be first once I have put the kids to bed.
3 pp // Apr 21, 2008 at 6:19 am
The key to a sexy marriage: Before a woman gets married, make sure your man is a giver as well as a receiver. Have sex whenever he wants and if he is a giver, you will want it too.
4 With This Ring, I Thee Dread // Mar 4, 2008 at 10:33 am
[…] talking face to face isn’t getting the job done, renowned couples therapist Esther Perel suggests opening an e-mail account solely for communication with your mate. Or, you could even […]
5 Spiritual Sex: 10 Erotic Commandments // Feb 26, 2008 at 2:06 pm
[…] made up of body, soul, and spirit,when you make love with only your body, you’re getting only one third of the sex. Spirit and soul like sex, too, and they add immensely to the […]
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