Annoying Habits Can Ruin Relationships

by Pamela Weintraub and Mark Teich

Few of us think that little things—loud chewing or, say, singing the lyrics from that Kit Kat commercial incessantly—could actually sabotage romance. Yet new research on such annoyances shows they regularly erode, and frequently end, relationships.

Michael Cunningham, a University of Louisville psychologist, began studying the phenomenon in the context of intimate relationships and found reactions so intense he likened them to physical allergies.

In fact, the behaviors could become so irritating they would cause stomachaches, rashes—even fevers. He named them “social allergens,” identifying four distinct behaviors: Uncouth (forgoing deodorant, peeing with the door open); intrusive (peeking in his inbox, criticizing her hair or clothes); egocentric (always insisting on picking the movie, or being right); and norm-violating (drunken partying, shoplifting).

The allergens also proved a reliable litmus test for romantic success—or lack thereof.

Too Close For Comfort
So if allergens can spell the end, how do they begin? It turns out that pivotal moment when a couple settles into everyday love (when sexy, witty, and pretty take a backseat to easy, cozy, and lazy) is when they’re most likely to emerge.

Cunningham describes this phase as being a transition from “front stage behavior”—when we’re always on, trying to make an impression—to “back stage behavior,” when we drop all pretense and share our “true” selves.