Annoying Habits Can Ruin Relationships

by Pamela Weintraub and Mark Teich

Sometimes, all too true: After a year or two, he says, we tend to act freely—and that begets trouble. While an allergen may start as a mere irritation, over time it becomes “symbolic of larger things,” says Cunningham.

Consider, for example, smelly feet guy: Each night he takes off his socks before bed, leaving them on the floor, where the odor wafts up to his partner.

“She’s disgusted. She wants them in the hamper,” Cunningham says. “He’s tired. He wants to go to sleep.”The real danger, he says, is that “neither of [them] see the ‘sock issue’ as jeopardizing the relationship.”

Yet this is when a couple first flirts with disaster: She complains; he dismisses her reaction as irrational and moody. The more he dismisses, the more she sees him as selfish and uncaring. Suddenly, stinky socks are grounds for couples therapy.

“You do a slow burn,” says Robin M. Kowalski, psychology professor at Clemson University. “Anger accumulates over time and you wonder, ‘Why doesn’t he have more respect for me?’” What may have seemed cure and innocent during the first few months of dating starts to grate, until a tic is interpreted as a personal affront—and battle lines are drawn.

The Rx for Allergens
While, as of yet, there’s no Social Al-Anon, many relationships do survive these annoyances, Cunningham says, because the perks of intimacy outweigh the quirks. Still, learning to cope requires effort and finesse.