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Knock Yourself Up!
Find out what it really takes to have a baby on your own.
by Louise Sloan
I was ready for kids at age 28—and well aware that women’s fertility starts to plummet at 35. When I saw my doctor that fateful year, she asked me if I wanted children. “Yes,” I replied. “Definitely.” With a stern look, she snapped, “Well, you’re not getting any younger!”
Thanks for the news flash, I thought. What kind of idiot does she think I am?
I was a romantic, procrastinating idiot, to be exact. Despite my clear intellectual understanding of the issues involved, it took me until age 38 before I seriously started thinking about single motherhood, and even then, I had to be dragged into it kicking and screaming by my biological clock, which was starting to sound more like a car alarm.
How did I get to this point? Thirteen years earlier, I dragged my then–life partner, Joan, to a six-week gay and lesbian parenting seminar in San Francisco, where we lived at the time.
We learned about the legal, medical, and logistical issues around having kids outside of a heterosexual marriage, then joined a monthly brunch group.Over coffee and potluck in Berkeley or Bernal Heights, 15 or 20 of us would sit around someone’s living room discussing our childbearing dreams.
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1 April // Jul 30, 2008 at 10:54 am
I’m 27, and people say I’m still young, but finding Mr. Right and starting a family has been an impossible task. I’m so far removed from dating that I even tell people that I’m only looking for sperm donors.
While I would love to wait forever for Prince Charming to come, it’s looking more and more doubtful that he will. Thanks for this article.
2 dude // Jun 13, 2008 at 8:04 pm
damn kat, you didn’t have to be such a b8**ch about everything. The kid will turn out whatever nature has in stored for him.
3 kat // Feb 28, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I raised a fatherless son. I had one under the usual circumstances but the father bounced before my son was born and I haven’t seen him in 23 years. You have a one-year old. I have a 23 year old. I have standing to speak on this.
Since you were insemminated instead of impregnated by a gay man your son will probably be a straight boy with the normal straight male tendencies. And before you tell me you are going to raise an enlightened male, forget it. Once nature kicks in you might as well kiss those notions goodby. If he’s any sort of male, you will not be able to overcome the teststerone and billions of years of evolution in that gene pool. Trust me (I’ve been married three times and raised two males). Things will seem great at times like “yay, I’m pulling this off.” But the boy will become angry at you and at the world and when he’s about sixteen, look out. I was stupid and selfish and so are you. You have no idea how hard it is on a boy to be utterly fatherless. My son said very little until he was about 20 but he unleashed one day and it broke my heart. I had no idea. I told him that’s just the way it was and he’d better do the best with what he had because he had no choice. I also told him I was sorry and if it weren’t for the fact that I was too stupid to live he would never have been born. That was the last time he ever brought it up.
You will find out the hard way like the rest of us do. And before you cite to a bunch of happy horse sh*t stories about family support, love, father figures, blah, blah, let me tell you right now. No amount of loving gay aunts and uncles or old grand pa types will substitute for a father. My son told me once that even a bad father was better than none. What’s even worse is that you are a middle aged lesbian - now. Boys like pretty young mothers with long hair. This will make your situation even worse. Even now my sons get angry if I cut my hair above the shoulders. You’re going to have one angry young man on your hands. Best of luck. I could write a book. But I will tell you, my fatherless son (I have another with a husband) is two months away from graduating from college. He has a 140 I.Q., is georgeous, has a gorgeous girlfriend and he’s heading off into the sunset. It was just getting him there that was hard. And don’t pamper the boy! (by the way). Let him get tough. He has to get tough some way and you sure as hell can’t do it. And don’t take the poor thing on Rosie Cruises or other such crap. Your best bet is to make the boy’s life as “normal” as possible under the circumstances. Don’t aggravate the situation (a lesbian couple I know hypenated thier last names and saddled their poor boy with the most hideous name ever invented even further isolating the child). You might not like “normal” but trust me, the boy will. You will want your son to be masculine and strong (as much as you won’t admit it). Let him be around straight, traditional males who do all the things you hate. It’s your boy’s nature and you should not try to fight it.
You have no godda*mn idea what you’re in for. Good luck sister.