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How an Affair Saved My Marriage
In an unexpected positive twist; an affair brings a marriage back to life.
by Anonymous
Then came the four years of James’s residency and a subsequent fellowship. His schedule required him to be gone most weekends; when he was home, he was somnambulant. Because I was passionate about my job and my friends, my needs when it came to James were fairly minimal compared with those of other spouses I knew.
All the same, he wasn’t close to meeting them. Chronically exhausted, he would spend our occasional vacations face-planted on the beach while I restlessly paced the low tide line. Being with James was no longer a solution to feeling lost and anxious, and I lacked the skill set to comfort myself. I was so immature I didn’t know it was a skill set.
I tried reminding myself that here was a man willing to sacrifice everything for his deep belief that he could help others. Sure, I was among the sacrificed, but at least I got to stand next to a person who was making a difference. But the more people commented on how “perfect” he was, the more trapped and angry I felt. What about me? Had I been a child of eight rather than a woman of 28, I might have had a temper tantrum. Instead, seven years into our marriage, I had an affair.
Several days after meeting Alex, I attended a party I knew he would be at. As I had hoped, he asked me to have dinner with him afterwards. We talked for hours. He was vivacious. He was interesting and interested in me. He was awake! And he was nothing like James. When he kissed me goodbye, I felt high. Then I ran for the bathroom and vomited until there was nothing left.
Still, I was convinced that Alex was my path to happiness. We had lunch, we had dinner, we finally made love. And a month after that, as we lay in his bed watching the first snowfall, we threw on our clothes and ran for the park to make snow angels. There, lying on the cold ground and looking up at the stars, we whispered that we loved each other.
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1 Kelly D. // Jun 23, 2008 at 10:30 pm
As someone who is in the middle of this exact situation now, I can relate to so much of what you describe: the intensity, the friends who could never understand, the guilt and the overwhelming feelings. I am encouraged by how your story ended, but i’m not sure, at the midway point in mine, how or if I can come out happy.
2 Portrait of an Open Marriage // Apr 25, 2008 at 4:05 pm
[…] years into our marriage, I began to feel itchy. So I had an affair. She was beautiful, an artist I met through a mutual friend. I deliberately chose to have an affair […]
3 anymynous // Apr 22, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Sometimes, there can be so much lonliness and emptiness within a marriage…it makes a person very vulnerable to the touch of a stranger. When a person constantly hears from other people how interesting, how pretty, how funny, how liked they are, and the one person they crave so badly to hear it from refuses to make the effort (even when you’ve cried, asked, begged countless times before)…well, it can make a person feel pretty empty and pretty vulnerable….I’m not condoning affairs, but word to the wise, if you love your spouse, cherish them, tell them, show them. Don’t leave it to others because you are lazy or selfish.
4 This sucks // Apr 21, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I don’t know what the writer is thinking. Marriage is about emotional attachment than physical intimacy. I believe it is a greater betrayal if your spouse confides her feelings in a other person than you. To make a marriage happy, respect for the marital bond the two people share is as important as love. Some of you have shown empathy towards the writer, but I feel the husband here is one for another heart break. Think from his point of view if he finds about this non-sexual (as the writer feels that all is right since it is not physical) affair with her former (i am not sure if ‘former’ is the correct word to use. the affair is still on) partner in adultery. He’ll not believe what the writer has to say that this relationship is platonic and er are just frens. He will associate this relationship as lack of trust and another betrayal.
If the writer has ever loved her husband, please do a favor and stay away from him. No matter how much James loves the writer, he deserves more; some one who will be faithful and sacrifice for him as he has done. Believe me, this marriage is not saved. You two have just joined for another huge setback to come.
While we can also perceive the situation from the writer’s view, we must realize that there’s got to be an end of this marriage. If there’s another affair coming to this relationship (i don’t want any to be there but still if it comes), I hope James does it.
I am sincerely sorry if I have offended anyone. While each individual has a right to project his/her life as s/he wills and as per his/her values, majority of human civilization will condemn the act of the writer. While majority is not always correct, believe me, in this case it is.
5 Steve Zarconi // Feb 16, 2008 at 2:46 pm
What an incredibly selfish woman, and how lucky this James is…NOT.
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