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How an Affair Saved My Marriage
In an unexpected twist, an affair brings a marriage back to life.
by Anonymous
Sharing details with close friends is asking them to bear the burden of a guilt that isn’t theirs. And how could I explain to them—let alone myself—that, even as I was pursuing this affair, I was still in love with my husband? I found myself living an isolated life of lies, born out of a love for one too many. The situation made no sense, shame and shamelessness coming hand in hand.
A year into my affair, and now chronically exhausted myself, I realized I could no longer stay in a marriage that caused me to dishonor it so blatantly. When things first began with Alex, I had been panicked that James would find out, or that a mutual friend would see us walking down the street and somehow know we were lovers, though we were never affectionate in public.
But as the months went on and James remained clueless, I began to get angry. For years, I had begged, then battled, for his attention. Now, though I was still in love with him, I quietly ceded a fight I knew I couldn’t win.
When my husband came home from a weekend shift at the hospital, I told him we needed to separate. He asked if there was someone else. I told him yes, but that he wasn’t the reason for our break. We fell asleep clinging tightly to each other, as though in our dreams we could make it all better.
At 5 A.M., I was awakened by a call from James, already back at the hospital. He wanted to tell me about his terrible nightmare from the night before, in which I had told him our marriage was over and that I was having an affair. I didn’t know what to say.
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1 Ginger // Aug 2, 2008 at 10:50 am
I fear that we have unrealistic expectations of love. Should love worth having be “work”? What exactly constitutes “work” in a relationship? Putting up with loneliness, unhappiness, apathy for five years? For ten, twenty? Maybe we should accept that we are enculturated to have short attention spans and fickle love commitments. I hear a lot of people tout working at their long-term relationships, but all I see are miserable, unsatisfied people. The most difficult and noble thing I imagine is loving another, selflessly, as much as you can yet with the knowledge that it could dissolve at any moment. This might lead to true appreciation of what one has while one has it. Still, I think the last line of the song Wicked Game might sum it up accurately, “nobody loves noone.”
2 Love // Jul 30, 2008 at 1:47 am
your a whore
3 James // Jul 29, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Someone wrote that James’ love really saved the marriage, and this is 1000% true. This author fools herself into thinking that she can remain close with Alex in a way that doesn’t violate her commitment to James, but that is just incorrect. Maybe I’m too immature myself, but it seems like James has given himself completely to the marriage while the author still has not. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t copulate with Alex, but she is still giving a piece of herself to him, as evidenced by the fact that she hides their friendship from James. People of the opposite sex who have reached that level of feeling never go completely back, and to hang onto Alex as a balancing act against the things she wishes were improved in james is dishonest.
4 Ken S // Jul 29, 2008 at 11:08 am
The only good thing I can say about this article is that it highlights the immature way we tend to look at relationships and how unwilling people are to admit human nature. Almost everyone will feel that their needs are not being met in some way in a long term relationship. If marriages are to survive, the couple must always be aware that individual needs are fragile. Conscious effort must be made to be honest about your own needs, so you are not caught off-guard when you have feelings towards another person.
This author’s affair didn’t save her marriage. Her husband’s love for her did. She was immature, didn’t have awareness of her own emotional and sexual desires, and blamed her husband after they took control of her. And then she delighted in her husband’s forgiveness. This article displays the height of her selfishness, but it is all too familiar among men and women.
5 Ivanovic H // Jul 28, 2008 at 5:15 pm
You americans are very weird. You forgive and encourage people who are unfaithful in marriage just because they put it under a veil of innocence. The author put 8 pages to tell her story in the sweetest words she could and there is nary a hint that she is a bad person, rather, the husband apologizes as though he is to blame (Apologizes for dedicating his life to one of the most respected and difficult professions of humankind?)
I can resume this text in a few words. She didn’t get the attention she wanted, so she slept around. She slept around for a good year while her husband worked and studied to become a medical doctor and when she got bored of the other guy, she went back to the man who now has money and a good reputation. There, the entire story without all the bullshit.
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