Let’s Talk About Sex…But How?

by Ky Henderson

Though urination may not be one of them, many acts can be modified to be more palatable and less scary. Think of early-morning workout shows where leotard-clad health nuts do the same exercise in three varying degrees of intensity: If he wants to have sex with the lights on, but you’re worried about the unforgiving glare of the overhead light, start out with candles instead. And if he’s interested in anal sex, start out with fingers or toys, and read up to assuage your fears and avoid painful, off-putting mistakes.

But perhaps the best way for you to make your partner’s desires more appealing is to create an incentive for yourself. “As unromantic as it sounds, striking a bargain can work very nicely,” says Aline Zoldbrod, PhD, a Boston sex therapist and author of Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On. “Getting to look forward to something you really like is delicious.”

That can be the case even when two desires are seemingly at odds with each other. When Lauren’s* boyfriend confessed a desire to sometimes be dominated in bed, she was initially crestfallen. “I had been psyching myself up to ask the same thing from him,” explains the 27-year-old graphic artist.

“Initially I kept quiet because I wanted to please him, but I eventually broke down and told him. He said he was actually relieved, because he’d been wanting to do something for me as well.” Both the acts of giving and receiving, Lauren says, were made more enjoyable because of the balance created by both gestures.

When you do ask for something, remember that it’s best to do so outside the bedroom to lower the stakes—unless you’re certain your partner will be totally turned on instead of vaguely unsettled by your request. Feel free to preface it by telling him that you’re scared he’ll react badly. And lastly, it wouldn’t hurt to “accidentally” leave this article somewhere he’s sure to see it.