Portrait of a 21st-Century Spinster
Posted By tangomag On November 14, 2007 @ 6:32 pm In Dating, Essay, PLS Single, Relating-Main, Starting Over | 12 Comments
I admit it, I love Bridget Jones. (In fact, I actually watched her in both the original and the sequel last weekend. For about the eleventh time.) Still, it irks me that celluloid spinsters are portrayed as losers (however hilarious) when I think that in real life, single women may be the lucky ones. In fact, I’m thankful I didn’t hook some nice pre-med guy in college, buy a four-bedroom house in the ’burbs, and start churning out kids (my mom’s fantasy).
What I got to do instead: live abroad (twice), become a writer, interview tons of celebrities—Jon Stewart’s even funnier in[1] 
person—date guys from every European Union country, not to mention make out with a Cuban musician in the streets of Havana during a festival celebrating Castro’s birthday. Not a bad consolation for no wedding or place settings of bone china.
I’m still hoping the right guy will come along, of course, but like most single women these days, I’m not going to wallow— or worse, settle. In fact, new research by Roona Simpson, PhD, at the University of Edinburgh, found that unlike Bridget, today’s “spinsters” aren’t obsessed by their solo state. Most are too busy pursuing their personal interests and careers or spending time with interesting friends or family members. (See another Tango article on [2] balancing romance and career.)
“I have a very fun life,” says Rima, 40, of New York City. “I travel a lot.” (In the last year alone, she’s been to Tanzania, South Africa, China, Scotland, England, and artsy Marfa, Texas.) “As a journalist, I experience things that most of my married friends never do,” she says.
Heather, 29, of Boston, agrees. “If I were in a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to run my life as I see fit. I wouldn’t be able to pursue my master’s as easily, I’d miss my hour-long swims, and I wouldn’t have learned to sail or climb,” she says, adding that she wouldn’t want anyone to feel slighted by her commitment to her interests.
Simpson did point out that participants in the study were not opposed to casual relationships, which are “a form of companionship, such as going to the movies and having sex. But it was not with someone they would want to bring home to their parents, and they didn’t want to marry them,” she explains.
[3] 
For Diane, 42, of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, being single has meant being able to spend as much time as possible with her son (now 18) and pursue her life’s passion, showing horses. “I’m just not going to give up my life for someone else,” she says. Other bonuses of soloing? “No dinners with his boss, no trips to visit his parents,” notes Dana, 34, of Nashville. (Check out [4] this Tango piece on parental approval.)
“And no one’s taking out their frustrations about their day or yelling at me about what I spend on shoes or travel,” adds Rima. What these women do have in common with Bridget is friends. “I have people in my life I can call on for anything,” says Rima.
“Being single actually helps you value friends and family more,” notes Sonia, 32, of Philadelphia, who spends her weekends going to galleries and flea markets with the girls. “When I was younger, I would start dating a guy and stop seeing my friends. But life is not just all about the new guy, it’s about the other people, too.”
Even today, “spinster” carries a sting. “I wanted to reclaim the word,” says Simpson. “These women’s lives are not characterized by loneliness and isolation.”
Heather agrees. “The notion that there is something wrong with a single woman, especially past a certain age, is alive and well,” she adds. “I think a lot of women fear turning into Patty and Selma from The Simpsons.”
Despite negative images, many single women wouldn’t change. “My life isn’t better without a commitment, but it is definitely just as good,” declares Dana.
12 Comments To "Portrait of a 21st-Century Spinster"
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#2 Comment By Linda On December 27, 2007 @ 5:50 pm
Great article! Thanks for sharing the enjoyment of Single Life with us.
Linda Sherman
Singelringen Agent for North America
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#4 Comment By Mandy Cat On February 1, 2008 @ 9:41 am
Someone once said that marriage is like a besieged castle. Every one who’s out wants in and everyone who’s in wants out.
#5 Comment By Mary Schmidt On February 1, 2008 @ 9:58 am
Thanks for spreading the word. I’m not technically a spinster - having been briefly married in my 20s (Pet peeve: forms that ask single, married, divorced. Like what difference does that make? I check single.)
A growing number of women (including my circle of friends) are happy with their lives. Sure, we love men and some of us even have significant others - but our world doesn’t revolve around being attached to a guy. I’m always saddened when, for example, a woman says, “Oh, you cook for yourself? *Sigh* Well, it’s just me so I usually just have some yogurt.” Hey, I love me! So, sure I’m going to cook for myself.
Hmmm…maybe I’ll take myself snowshoeing this weekend.
#6 Comment By Bturner On February 2, 2008 @ 4:29 pm
It’s true that you can be single and happy. But of all the single people I know, (and I know a lot!), none of them seem to be that particulary satisfied with their lives. They tend to throw themselves into their careers, hobbies,traveling abroad, etc. None of which gives them any sense of personal fulfillment. Just the fact that “single by choice” people seem so hell bent on justifying their lack of a husband/wife suggests a deep seated personal issue that they choose to ignore. Research shows that married people live longer, happier, fuller lives. I doubt any of this applies to “The New 21st Spinster.”
#7 Comment By Henry Tripp On February 4, 2008 @ 2:40 am
As a mature man, I know many men in the generation of whom this article is written. These men are married and dating to these women of low moral character. They are not really even content with their life and these women are the strongest contributers of this state of mind. I am investing in retirement centers for these future lonely old women. Will be a great investment for the future.
#8 Comment By Deb On February 4, 2008 @ 4:44 am
Thank you. I’m so sick of being judged by my marital status. I’ve been happily single for 54 years and I thank the goddesses every time I think about how many times I could’ve broken down and said yes but held my ground and kept my freedom.
#9 Comment By Joey On February 4, 2008 @ 11:12 am
If I am not happily married, I hope to be a playboy until the day I die… I would love to be 98 years old with a hot Pamlea Anderson on my lap while I cruise down fifth ave on my wheelchair…
#10 Comment By lilD On February 4, 2008 @ 11:39 am
sounds like a lot of justification to me…i was happy being single (truly!) but never felt like i needed to articulate why being single was actually superior. i actually thought that having a long distance relatioship would be ideal given how independent i am, busy with work and friends, etc but after settling down with someone i love dearly, i am happier with him being in my life and not long distance.
love that so many women are single and truly happy and not being defined by marriage
funny that this is not a conversation about men? when the truth is that “data” show it’s tougher for men generally to be single than for women!
#11 Comment By Jeff On February 26, 2008 @ 5:00 am
The truth about these “21st spinsters” is far from what appears on the outside - the apparently happy carefree woman living a “full” , and by implication, promiscuous life.
I am 35 and just out of curiosity went out on a couple of dates with one of these never married/no kids types 45 year old woman. After sex, much to my surprise she broke down in tears saying how empty and vapid her life is, and despite her sexually liberated/independent lifestyle she feels used by men after every short lived fling.
#12 Comment By cris On February 28, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
Jeff, I feel sad for the woman you wrote about. However, please don’t assume promiscuity is the norm for all women who are happily single. Not all people require sex to be fulfilled. Celibacy by choice is a good option for those not driven by their hormones. Life can be blissfully peaceful for one who prefers intellectual and spiritual pursuits.
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