When it comes to relationships, what does the future hold? Will we [1] meet via online matchmaker? Set the sheets on fire with cell phones-turned-sex toys? Or sip piña coladas served by cute robotic cabana boys? Regina Lynn, our Nostradamus of romance, peers into the next five years.

Prediction 1:
Video kills the coffee date. I don’t know what Starbucks is going to do, but in 2012, [2] awkward first encounters will no longer take place over vente mochachinos. For those searching for a mate online, “First dates will be on live video,” says dating industry expert Mark Brooks of [3] OnlinePersonalsWatch.com, “and videos don’t lie like pictures do.”

Though he also predicts that the [4] single among us won’t necessarily be cozying up to our computers while auditioning pixelated Mr. Rights. “By then,” he says, “that video date will probably be on a mobile device.”

I know, I know, it sounds dreary and disconnected and oh-so-Sandra-Bullock-in-The-Net. But think of how much time you’ll save when you can screen potential mates quickly and efficiently—without even getting dressed below the waist if you don’t want to.

Even [5] where we meet prospects is about to evolve. “Rather than canned profiles and emails, people will meet other people at events—concerts, movie screenings, etc.—in virtual worlds,” says Brian Shuster, CEO of Utherverse, a 3-D social network. “They will get to know each other in a more natural way, even have virtual world dates before real world dates.” Raising the question: Is it possible to have a virtual bad hair day?

Prediction 2:
Everyone rents yentas. That’s right. With all our advances in artificial intelligence, matchmaking algorithms, and online chemistry quizzes, we’re going to go back to the basics. And, with the logical convergence of online dating and professional matchmaking, we’ll hire actual humans to help us meet our mates. Wow.

But seriously, Brooks predicts that every top [6] dating site will soon have an upgrade option for its users that includes the services of a real, live, modern-day yenta.

Think about it: The [7] downsides to online dating? It’s impersonal and a serious time suck. And while a matchmaker provides a personal touch, if she doesn’t have a deep enough Rolodex, you’re still stuck. So, reasons Brooks, “If the matchmaking industry teams up with the online dating industry, which has more selections, it’s a marriage made in heaven.” The experiment seems to be working quite well for Match.com. (The site debuted the idea in Dallas last year.) Which brings us full circle: The hot major of the future? A degree in matchmaking, natch.

This year marked the first Professional Matchmaking & Date Coaching Worldwide Conference organized by the Matchmaking Institute in NYC, which offers certification at their Cupid Academy—bow and arrow not included.

Singletons of Two Minds: In a recent global survey, 49 percent of respondents said online dating is a great way to meet others, while 48 percent said it is a “waste of time.”

Prediction 3:
Girl gadgets grow up. Finally, we’ll refuse to settle for cheap plastic knick-knacks cranked out by [8] clueless men trying to make a fast buck. By 2012, [9] sex toys will be luxury gifts, as integral to womanhood as dark [10] chocolate and pedicures.

Call it the new fusion: “Toy designs will be driven by new ideas flowing in from other industries, both in design and functionality,” says Suki, creator of the OhMiBod, an audio-driven vibrator designed to plug into your iPod.

Today, most toys offer some form of steady, nerve-numbing vibration. Soon we’ll start to see designs that reflect a better understanding of female sexuality. The customizable Je Joue (“I play,” en francais) personal massager is a forerunner, using stroke, swoop, and swirl motions that provide the closest approximation to oral sex of any gadget available today.

And the Wiki revolution will allow us all to sound off on not just who, but what we’re bringing to bed. Thousands of women are already speaking up at sex toy review site [11] OrgasmArmy.com, where nearly 10,000 enlisted users give their two cents on specifics like, “It’s small enough not to be too daunting, but stays put once inserted.”

“There are so many empowered women writing about sex toys that the younger generation won’t be uncertain of what they want or how to get it,” says Jamye Waxman, author of Getting Off : A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation.

And, as we shed our own inhibitions about our mechanical friends, we’ll bring our partners along for the ride, soothing egos while showing them just what a vibrating ring can do when wrapped around their man-roots.

Inspired by our online shopping sprees (for once), our partners will become more willing to experiment. Says Waxman, “So many hetero men actually like prostate stimulation, but are scared to go into a store and talk to a salesperson about it.” Just imagine the future of stocking stuffers.

The new impulse buy? Americans spent $1.7 billion on adult novelties in 2006, up 15 percent from 2005.

Prediction 4:
[12] Long-distance lovers plug in. We can already buzz each other from afar: [13] HighJoy.com and [14] Sinulate.com offer systems that enable you to plug sex toys into your computer and put yourself at your partner’s mercy. Both companies anticipated that their products would be in demand among the porn and professional webcam community; what they didn’t expect was the long-distance couples and frequent travelers who have embraced them.

A large number of his customers are military couples, says Sinulate president Steve Rhodes. But another factor driving the next generation is the desire to get away from the computer. The portable Boditalk vibrator switches on when you receive a cell phone call—from anyone, not just your lover. The Bluetooth enabled vibrator (known as “The Toy”) waits for you to receive a text on a compatible phone—at which point it wiggles ecstatically, making a different movement for each character in the message.

And today, the prototype “Hug Shirt” from [15] CuteCircuit.com lets you embrace your darling through strategically placed “actuators” triggered by your phone’s Bluetooth signals when a text comes in.

This melding of the physical with the virtual extends beyond sex, becoming a means to express romance and affection, whether you’re near or far.

Prediction 5:
[16] [17] Marriage gains new dimensions. Never mind whether he still brings you flowers. In 2012, the average husband will be expected to flirt with you by text message, serenade you in live video, make wanton love to your virtual double over lunch, and still have enough energy to engage in thoughtful conversation at dinner.

To say nothing of how complicated deciding to commit is becoming: Michelle Pignatano of New Jersey met Joe Trykoski of Illinois in the 3-D online environment known as Second Life—and fell head over heels.

They [18] moved in together and got married in the virtual world, then moved in together and [19] got engaged in the physical world. In a nutshell, that’s post-modern love. It’s an increasingly common phenomenon as we erase the lines between “real” and “virtual”— and the lines get blurrier by the day.

Soon, “Cameras will capture our expressions and movements and express them in real-time on our avatars,” says Utherverse CEO Shuster. “[They’ll] move and act like we do in real life.”

You, too, may soon live a double life on Second Life. “We’ll see the emergence of a phenomenally successful virtual world that targets the mainstream audience,” says Brenda Brathwaite, professor at the Savannah College of Art and Design and author of Sex in Video Games (Charles River Media, 2006). And that’s not a bad thing.

Today’s media paints virtual worlds as sex-drenched free-for-alls where adults create digital representations of their [20] fantasy selves and swap their real lives for the false promises of cybersex.

It’s not true, but we seem to enjoy fearing each new wave of technology. So we ask the same old questions about every new realm: Doesn’t everyone lie about who they are? Is love “real” if it starts with avatars? Can cybersex become so addictive that it erodes true intimacy?

By 2012, thank goodness, we’ll realize that paying the occasional visit to these virtual worlds is just the natural next step in the way we relate online. It may even be a panacea for a stagnant marriage— a way to reveal ourselves more honestly, relate more openly, and maybe even send flowers more easily: on nights when he meant to get you flowers but had to work late . . . his avatar can.

“In ten years, everyone will have a virtual persona in cyberspace that will be as integral to their real lives as an email address is today,” predicts Kevin Alderman, CEO of Eros, LLC, which, early to the party, is creating erotic animations in the hopes of helping us improve our virtual sex lives.

But don’t be worried: Those personas will never replace actual physical human connection, so I’m afraid we’ll just have to find something else to fear. What will it be in 2012? I vote for robot sex slaves who can simultaneously bring us to [21] new heights of orgasmic ecstasy while making the perfect Baked Alaska. That should scare the hell out of most husbands.