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Cross-Cultural Dating Rules
Sarika Dani turns over a leaf and dates someone of the same ethnicity.
by Sarika Dani
Instead, I scandalized my parents by inviting my unruly, willowy Swede home for the winter holidays. When my mother glimpsed the shiny metal knob attached to his tongue, she nearly choked on her rice and pickle. Their conversations in English as-a-second language were pileups of misunderstandings, awkward and lacking depth. It was no better when they traded gifts: traditional Swedish cookie-cutters for my parents, a fancy shaving razor for him. (Too bad Indians don’t bake cookies and Swedish rockers adore their stubble.)
But the drummer and I loved each other too fiercely to care, and dismissed the cultural dissonance as a casualty of romance. About a year later, though, I had to face the fact that the Swede was frustratingly deficient in the ambition department—he could barely commit to part-time work, while I was hungry for a career—and we ultimately parted ways.
Eventually, and to my surprise, the missing gene kicked in when I met a gainfully employed Indian-American guy. He was also a DJ of underground music, which satisfied my taste for subculture. And as a bonus, he had a tuft of chest hair (a common Indian trait) poking out from the top of his T-shirt—that so help me, I actually thought was hot. We shared a strong, immediate attraction and a common identity. This made him novel, precious, and overwhelmingly intriguing despite my inner protest: But he’s not my type—he’s just like me!
The DJ was one of “my people,” which classified him instantly as safe. But this time, instead of my usual aversion to familiarity, I found something sexy about our sameness. Right away we had an unspoken trust and respect—he didn’t feel like a stranger for very long. Our common ground required explanation—like my mom’s practice of carrying Taco Bell sauce in her purse to spice up soups on the go, or my dad’s lack of interest in football.
Of course, we still had argudiments—sometimes over qualities that were quintessentially Indian, like his tendency to be macho or his hyperactive work ethic. But as others with bicultural identities can attest, the benefits of being with someone like you can trump all other concerns.
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1 Valrock // Jun 20, 2008 at 2:03 pm
this guys is funny
2 thegiraffe // Mar 4, 2008 at 10:17 pm
This is such a sweet story. I am in the exact same position as you are, though I’m what you might call an ‘Indian-European’. There are few Indians in the part of Europe I come from, so I somehow always thought Indian guys would never be right for me. Now I’ve moved to the US, and to my glad surprise, I’m completely wrong. I could totally see myself with someone who’s Indian like me (either an NRI or an ‘Indian-Indian’; don’t forget, beliefs in India are also modernizing at a dramatic pace, so guys in India now have a much wider set of possible beliefs/lifestyles). The bottomline is, I’m really happy to know there are communities in the world where I can be a 100% myself and still be accepted by the group (these two things never went together for me until now), or by someone I love. I’ve now found out what a pleasure and comfort it can be to get that ‘default acceptance’ in a group just because you’re from the same ethnicity. I’ve never experienced that in Europe; I always felt the ‘eternal foreigner’ because the Indian population there is too small to actually be present in people’s minds as a sizeable minority (unlike the US). Of course, it can be a great asset to grow up in multiple cultures and it gives you more appreciation for other cultures, and this is something I do value about being brought up somewhere else.
Anyway, thanks for posting this story, it’s great to know there are others who underwent the same thing and ended up in the same spot
3 Rose // Nov 4, 2007 at 7:37 am
I am currently interested in dating someone from India. He is cultured, a professional in several fields, and well known and respected in his community. I am live in a rural community, attended community college, live a very simple lifestyle. I am blonde, blueyed, and have never dated outside my hometown culture. Can this work?
4 Jack // Oct 22, 2007 at 10:21 am
I agree with Nina.
5 Nina // Jul 23, 2007 at 11:31 am
This article is really sweet and personal. I feel like if an open mind means trying something you wouldn’t normally dare…even if that’s dating your own kind.