Open Marriage: One Man’s Surprising Take

One of Tango's reader has chimed in with his approach to open marriage.

Open Marriage Rebuttal

One of the most popular articles that we’ve ever had in Tango was written by Jenny Block and discussed the taboo and personal topic of open marriage (click here for it). This topic and the author’s experience have inspired a bunch of comments from our readership. We received an eloquent argument in favor of open relationships. We’re not saying that we agree with Anonymous Coward but we think that he has a very measured approach to an unbelievably tricky situation. Feel free to comment here or on the original article.

I read through these comments, and I see mostly hatred, shame, and guilt from the “happily monogamous” crowd, and mostly sharing, loving, and life from the “you go girl” crowd. (Check out all Open Marriage Comments). My feelings are definitely leaning towards the “you go girl”, and here’s a slice of my life, so you can decide for yourself why I feel that way.

My partner and I are in an “open” relationship, in the sense that either of us can, at any time, take a lover.

We have a few ground rules, of course, the most important of which is the honesty inherent in the relationship. Without honesty, there is no trust. Without trust, there is no relationship, because there is no relating.

Speaking as the male in this scenario, I would like to point out my personal feelings on the subject of this article. If my woman were to meet someone she liked, were to want to have sex with that person, and the other person was similarly inclined, I would be offended if she did not pursue it.

Allow me to reiterate, for those who missed it the first time: I *want* my woman to “sleep around”. As a matter of fact, it would upset me if she were to *not* pursue physical pleasure, if it was offered, and she wanted it. If I thought that she had turned it down out of deference to me and my feelings of jealousy, or out of some sense of duty to me, I would be absolutely horrified.

Our household runs on rational thought. Our feelings, just like everyone else’s, have little to do with rational thought. This is an enormous barrier to communication, but if you can figure out how to surmount it, then you’re in a very good place.

We communicate constantly, and to be quite honest, our external “affairs” are few and far between. Having the freedom to have emotions, on the other hand, has made this one of the easiest and best relationships I’ve ever been in. The honesty was specified up front, the trust built on that, and we have been quite happy for over 7 years now.

We have found that intimacy and sex are not synonymous. We have both been in relationships where sex was a substitute for intimacy, and found them lacking. We have both been in abusive, controlling relationships, and found them to be unhappy and unhealthy. I have the (ahem) special privilege of having been on both sides of that, having been both the abuser and the abused, at various points in my life.

We have found our intimacy, and (surprise!) sex has very little to do with it. Don’t get me wrong, the sex is still fun, we still chase one another nekkid through the living room occasionally, but it’s not a *substitute* for anything. Now, the lovemaking, on the other hand, is intimate, but that’s more than sex. It’s cuddling, caressing, murmuring, focusing 100% on each other, getting inside each other’s hearts and minds, sharing life and love and warmth and happiness. In other words, it’s intimate. And yes, it’s sex. But the two are no more required for one another than they are mutually exclusive.

The intimacy I have gained with my woman is invaluable to me, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. Because we communicate, I know she feels the same way about me.

I penned this post as “Anonymous Coward”, because far too many people are far too predictable in their responses, and if my job were to learn that I live in this “lifestyle”, I might lose it (the job, not the lifestyle). However wrong that may be, that’s the world we live in.

Join the conversation and let us know what you think.

 
 
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15 responses so far

  • 1 Lindsay // Jun 19, 2008 at 1:05 am

    So you are having an affair? Oh I forgot it is not an affair it’s an open marriage. What ever helps you and Jenny sleep at night.

  • 2 Anonymous Coward // May 18, 2008 at 12:22 am

    Whoops, I guess I should have read all the comments before posting my own.

    to Jen:
    I think you may have missed my point. My partner (I’m evidently not allowed to call her ‘my woman’ anymore) and I’s relationship is based on honesty and trust… it seems to me that those items were sorely lacking in the experience you wrote of.

  • 3 Anonymous Coward // May 17, 2008 at 11:40 pm

    to Baron:
    Actually, I’m not married… but she is. We’ve been living together for over 7 years now, and we’re both here because we choose to be. If you can’t understand or accept that, then it’s no skin off our backs. I would like to point out that neither of us seems to mind not having a piece of paper to prove our love for one another, and as for the religious aspects of marriage… well, keep your church out of my bedroom.

    to jaye:
    I understand your point, but would like to point out that, in her own words, “I don’t see ‘my woman’ being any different from ‘my wife’, ‘my spouse’, ‘my girlfriend’, or ‘my friend’. I don’t see how being referenced as ‘my woman’ is any different.”

    Sorry if you found it offensive; as we are not married, I was trying to find a way to describe her without being clinical and simply labeling her as ‘my partner’.

    To those who have expressed kind thoughts, thank you. To those who have expressed disdain, dislike, or other unharmonious attitudes, I’m just glad we don’t have to interact anywhere but this website.

    Also, I would like to express my surprise and thanks to tangomag for choosing to preface my comment with a single paragraph, and call it an article.

  • 4 Anita Wagner // May 5, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    Here’s a secret: If two people have a solid marriage and each is committed to and values the other no matter who else enters the picture, then giving their partner the gift of freedom to love others, too, frequently causes them to love their partner even more for giving them this gift. The abundance of love they receive as a result of this generosity engenders more love and gratitude. This is how it works in my life and the lives of many, many other polyamorists I know.

    I feel significantly more secure in my polyamorous relationship with my partner than I ever felt in either of my supposedly monogamous marriages where cheating led to a lot of heartbreak. T doesn’t have to cheat if he feels a strong connection to another, and neither do I. Knowing that we have this option makes us both very happy and appreciative of each other.

  • 5 Baron // Apr 12, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    A_C,

    It sounds like you and your partner are not married. If this is the case then you cannot compare a living together relationship with a marriage. Like it or not, marriage changes the mindset of the people in it for it brings out all sort of expectations that are the product of upbringing and personal beliefs. I’m not bashing living together relationships, but like it or not, they don’t have the same societal value that marriages have because marriage is an institution with a proven historical longevity despite present divorce rates.

    “Open marriages” have a dismal track record and it is much harder to find examples of successful ones than it is to find examples of successful traditional marriages. Even Jenny Bloc alludes to this when she states that she and her husband do not have other folks they can use as guides, who have successfully preceded them.

    Another thing about open marriages is that at least one spouse will eventually feel short changed by it, and this usually happens to be the husband when the reality of sexual supply and demand hits him right between the eyes. The fact is that it is much, much easier for a wife to acquire lovers than it is for a married man to do the same. When a husband gets frustrated at his lack of success to find another woman to be his lover and sees that his wife has a slew of male lovers, he will understandably become envious, resentful and may eventually lead him to leave his wife and file for divorce, especially if his wife refuses to end the open marriage. So unless a husband is fully aware of this sobering reality and still willing to go ahead with it, he is signing his marriage’s death sentence.
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